be useless … without honesty.
You need to be honest to yourself and all the ones around you.
It is the first time … since i know you … when i believe you
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
40
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
can become a practician of this method which i named … self therapy.
And is funny cause you come to me by one year and i taught you lots of things … but this amazing young lady … completed the whole process in only few days. I smile … seeing her powers.
And i almost can’t believe it.
But i like a lot her presence on the timeline of your life.
Find the courage … to be … yourself.
Life is not so long as we might … believe.”
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
41
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
We always wonder which is the best path that could take us to … happiness.
We have so many options .. and still …
He was … at a crossroads.
Turning right he could go to the city.
Turning left …. he could go to her.
…. but she was married and unavailable.
That road was also taking to his house … but he was married and unhappy at home .. so … turning left was kind of a pathless path.
He turned right many, many times for so, so many years in a row … and nothing happened.
In the last moment he sends her the picture … asking if he would turn left … and come to her. But it was impossible… to meet him.
They were friends … by already a long time.
Started to knew each other quite well… but somehow they were afraid to explore … a possible relationship.
I mean … a little bit more than … just being friends.
In the end …. he arrives home …. where he fucks his vibe
again.
Why it was not different?!
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
42
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
Why could not go and meet her?!
Touch her lips … and her beautiful hair … but also whisper her all those beautiful words that he told her on the chat. What if he could decide to turn right?!
And meet … who?
The right was to the city … and there were millions of people into the city … but … still … no real connection to his lost soul.
He was like that for years.
Going to the left … or to the right … was everything he used to do.
Any direction … was a pathless path.
But why?!
Maybe because he lost his hope.
Yes … at a beginning of any journey …. we should probably
have that childish naivety …. one that he does not have
anymore.
So … he closed his eyes … asking for guidance.
He simple had to go to her … and find a trick to meet …. but
they both analyzed so much … till they lost that chance.
Today it’s a new day.
Maybe it will be different.
He needs her … cause he knows that the best therapy for a soul … it’s a love story.
But he also knows that she … wanted that too.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
43
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
“Keep exploring without the intentions of hurting yourself and others. I live to enjoy and tell the tale....or.... I live to enjoy and
keep my beautiful secrets between myself and the one that was part of the
experience.....both are bitter sweet....enjoy
either way”
Nolene Sheppard
I’ve been accused recently by more and more people from my life … that i play games.
“Games?! What kind of games?!” … i said.
“Dirty games” …. they all replied.
Well … being so many … telling me that … i had to meditate a little bit over the subject.
And yes …. I was playing around.
It looked like … so illusory.
But maybe i was just exploring the boundaries of all those connections i was interested in … without any negative intentions.
And i was so … deep … that it all became so weird.
I started to feel that the indignation … from their side became one day … so annoying … that i need to stop the connection with them.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
44
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
Temporary … or even forever.
I was simple … exploring.
It was no game … even if we might define it this way.
From the outside … it looked indeed that they were right.
My wife was right.
My neighbor war right.
My customer was right.
It looked like they all were right.
So … i was wrong … analyzing logically.
Or not?!
I smile …
I talk to you … but also with myself … to all my silly selfs from my inner soul.
But i dare to ask only one question … what they don’t like at the fact that i was exploring the connections i have with them?!
Why exploring … ends up being defined as a dirty game?!
Why?! Please tell me why?!
Then i remember what Nolene told me … that as long as i was exploring without the intentions of hurting yourself and others… it is all ok.
So … i analyzed my intentions.
I liked those connections.
I could even say that i loved them … but too bad that exploring the boundaries … was seen as something … dirty. Then Nolene comes again into my mind … while saying …. “I
live to enjoy and tell the tale....” and the secret was that i
loved to wrote about … all around me.
It was probably … kind of a weird … therapy.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
45
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
There will be moments in life when only the abstract work
might express your emotions. And … should not even bother to explain the painting to them.
Recently i had the chance to talk to Ozlem Thompson. She is Turkish artist based in the United Kingdom whose paintings have been exhibited in both England and the United States. Her works combine the dreamy scenes in her mind with the reality that she witnesses in nature. Thompson describes her vibrant compositions as being a vehicle for her subconscious which helps her connect with and understand the universe.
I watched how she is painting … the vibration of that passion … and i was amazed.
Truth be told, i don’t know anything about art … but somehow … having the ability of connecting to those vibrations of the art work … i start to understand Ozlem. I looked on and on and on at her paintings and then a philosophical question comes to my mind … “If i would have the talent of my new friend Ozlem … how would i paint life?! And how the painting of my own life would look like?!” I close my eyes and i try to imagine that.
And indeed … i see 2 paintings.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
46
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
One … which is a representation of my inner world … and looks like …. a painting representing the … life seen as a perfect case scenario.
But i look to the right … and i see the other one … and i simple dislike it.
Is a horrible…. painting.
In fact … could not even name it painting … but it is so abstract that i am forced to use the word … painting. Unfortunately … that was representing my real life …. my reality.
I had lots of problems … which i had enough of … but they existed.
I had to accept their presence… cause i could not get rid … of them.
And suddenly … a brilliant idea came to me.
You see … i was mad … cause i had some problems with the city hall, with some constructions permits.
The mayor and the vice mayor … acting like 2 idiots from the country side where not signing me the papers.
A useless conflict … and even if i tried all my best to apply everything i knew about diplomacy … i failed. No one was listening to me.
It was like i was speaking japanese …. but the problem was
that i was in Europe.
All my efforts of explaining to them … my opinions … were in vain.
I was like a ghost … and they could not even see me … so why the hell … was i still hoping to be heard by those people?!
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
47
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
Then i remember that i my country … with money …. you can
do whatever you want … no matter how silly you would think and act on the stage of life.
I was looking at the city hall and i wondered myself what if i could hire some artists to make graffiti on the right side of building with … Tom & Jerry and on the left one we should paint the mistresses of those people that were running the commune … and were actually dominating the minds and the souls of the mayor and the vice mayor.
Should that be too abstract for the 2 idiots i am talking about?!
So i even start to think of calling the chief of police and tell him my plans so that i could negotiate with him … the fine for that.
I was smiling and i wanted to write even to Ozlem … to ask an advice from her about that painting … but how could i bother her for such a stupidity?!
It should be a nonsense … and she is not painting such things.
So … could i dare … to ask her opinion?!
Well … Ozlem is a human being … same as me and the 2 stupid bastards which were running the city hall from the commune i was living it.
So … maybe she would understand my thoughts and … emotions.
Then i stop thinking about my conflict for one second… and i look again at the paintings of my dear friend. She was so abstract.
But she decided to paint only the beautiful side from this Universe.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
48
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
So … Ozlem … knew the trick for a beautiful life … and i was so blind … and could do that.
I only had to paint that inner world, same as my friend was doing … and ignore the outside world fucked up so many times by the idiots around us.
Maybe i was afraid that it was too abstract … but still … i had to continue painting it.
My inner world was so beautiful and i had to learn from Ozlem to express it … but also enjoy the passion of painting it.
That painting …. once finished will make the world … the one
we call real …. much beautiful.
Or at least … maybe just make people forget for one second
the stupidity of this real Universe that we painted in such ugly colors.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
49
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
Beyond the nonsense
… we’ll find our deepest desires
I was in an amazing bar in the old center of the city … with Brian, Paul and few other friends. All … just men between 40 and 50.
Everyone was drinking beer of different kinds and the atmosphere was amazing.
In fact … i was the only one that was not drinking … but still … i loved their company.
But guess what we talked about?!
Well … what the hell could be in the mind of such men ….
except women.
Some were talking about love affairs with ladies from work, some about flirting with a young lady who is staying in the same building … and some even started to speak about their fantasies.
Brian was good about telling such stories.
He started to tell us his idealistic vision … about how could a man over 40 … be happy.
His dream was … and i apologize in front of the ladies for telling such story … to go in a vacation in an exotic resort, at a 5 star hotel, near the ocean …. with 3 young ladies.
And he starts to give us so many details, that i believe he could be such a great writer for erotic books … but because i
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
50
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
did not drink anything … i asked him … “ Brian … why do you think you have such a desire?! What is behind this fantasy?!
Why do we all from here … have such a dream when we become older that 40?!
What is the deep meaning of all that?!”
Paul … smiling … says … “Well … maybe we all dream of a life of a king.
All of us from here have similar fantasies.
Some of us admit it in front of the public … and some do not admit it … but … the fantasy itself, which looks as a nonsense
reveals in fact our deepest desires …. and maybe secrets also.”
Paul was right.
Brian … told us about a story that is revealed at a man … over 40 years old.
When most probably … a man already achieved in life … almost everything he ever dreamed for … the fantasies start to dominate us.
Looks as nonsenses, but maybe it’s not.
Or … maybe beyond the nonsense … we’ll find our deepest desires.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
51
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
Motivational questions are
very important … if you want to evolve … but they are also annoying
(Adrian Gabriel Dumitru)
My question to you is - Ten years ago, how much of your current life did you plan for it to be the way it is? 60%? 30%? 90%?
Are you living the life you planned (married, kids, success in business) but now realise you are maybe not happy with it?
Maybe it's exactly how you always wanted your life to be but you crave for a little bit more now?
(Nolene Sheppard)
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
52
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
If you can’t say what you really think in front of the life partner …. you are
certainly in the wrong story
A writer i know by a long time told me recently his story. Married, with children, having everything he ever wanted … but realizing he is not really happy … he started to write defining his thoughts.
And wrote so much … that one day he was in the position of having lots of books published. He was just writing.
Everyday.
But actually what my friend was doing was that ….he became
his own therapist … and worked together his own self … to have a cure for his unhappiness.
And he was analyzing and defining all what was going on … not being able yet to redefine in any way his life. He started to love … writing.
The process became kind of … medicine … that was calming his soul.
But the huge problem was that one day, by accident …. his
wife discovered his books.
And … read all those thoughts.
Totally annoyed, feeling even betrayed of staying near such a person … she started to be so furious that … wanted to end
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
53
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
the life together.
“It’s not that you have 2 faces ….
I believe you have 1000 faces.
You are a sick … sick … man.”
“My dear … i am not sick.
Or maybe i was … but i started to cure myself by a long, long time.
It’s not about faces … masks …. or whatever you might name
that …
All you read were my thoughts.
My contradictory thoughts.
but all of them … my thoughts. My feelings … my emotions …” “You are a sick man ….” “Because i think … and i write?! Hahahahahaha!
At least i have the right of being honest … with myself.” The argue continued … for hours.
She could not believe … that he is … a writer … and could not stand all those thoughts that she read … in his books.
If … before … the marriage could be defined as being fucked up … this was probably its funeral.
You need to be honest to yourself and all the ones around you.
It is the first time … since i know you … when i believe you
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
40
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
can become a practician of this method which i named … self therapy.
And is funny cause you come to me by one year and i taught you lots of things … but this amazing young lady … completed the whole process in only few days. I smile … seeing her powers.
And i almost can’t believe it.
But i like a lot her presence on the timeline of your life.
Find the courage … to be … yourself.
Life is not so long as we might … believe.”
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
41
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
We always wonder which is the best path that could take us to … happiness.
We have so many options .. and still …
He was … at a crossroads.
Turning right he could go to the city.
Turning left …. he could go to her.
…. but she was married and unavailable.
That road was also taking to his house … but he was married and unhappy at home .. so … turning left was kind of a pathless path.
He turned right many, many times for so, so many years in a row … and nothing happened.
In the last moment he sends her the picture … asking if he would turn left … and come to her. But it was impossible… to meet him.
They were friends … by already a long time.
Started to knew each other quite well… but somehow they were afraid to explore … a possible relationship.
I mean … a little bit more than … just being friends.
In the end …. he arrives home …. where he fucks his vibe
again.
Why it was not different?!
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
42
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
Why could not go and meet her?!
Touch her lips … and her beautiful hair … but also whisper her all those beautiful words that he told her on the chat. What if he could decide to turn right?!
And meet … who?
The right was to the city … and there were millions of people into the city … but … still … no real connection to his lost soul.
He was like that for years.
Going to the left … or to the right … was everything he used to do.
Any direction … was a pathless path.
But why?!
Maybe because he lost his hope.
Yes … at a beginning of any journey …. we should probably
have that childish naivety …. one that he does not have
anymore.
So … he closed his eyes … asking for guidance.
He simple had to go to her … and find a trick to meet …. but
they both analyzed so much … till they lost that chance.
Today it’s a new day.
Maybe it will be different.
He needs her … cause he knows that the best therapy for a soul … it’s a love story.
But he also knows that she … wanted that too.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
43
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
“Keep exploring without the intentions of hurting yourself and others. I live to enjoy and tell the tale....or.... I live to enjoy and
keep my beautiful secrets between myself and the one that was part of the
experience.....both are bitter sweet....enjoy
either way”
Nolene Sheppard
I’ve been accused recently by more and more people from my life … that i play games.
“Games?! What kind of games?!” … i said.
“Dirty games” …. they all replied.
Well … being so many … telling me that … i had to meditate a little bit over the subject.
And yes …. I was playing around.
It looked like … so illusory.
But maybe i was just exploring the boundaries of all those connections i was interested in … without any negative intentions.
And i was so … deep … that it all became so weird.
I started to feel that the indignation … from their side became one day … so annoying … that i need to stop the connection with them.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
44
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
Temporary … or even forever.
I was simple … exploring.
It was no game … even if we might define it this way.
From the outside … it looked indeed that they were right.
My wife was right.
My neighbor war right.
My customer was right.
It looked like they all were right.
So … i was wrong … analyzing logically.
Or not?!
I smile …
I talk to you … but also with myself … to all my silly selfs from my inner soul.
But i dare to ask only one question … what they don’t like at the fact that i was exploring the connections i have with them?!
Why exploring … ends up being defined as a dirty game?!
Why?! Please tell me why?!
Then i remember what Nolene told me … that as long as i was exploring without the intentions of hurting yourself and others… it is all ok.
So … i analyzed my intentions.
I liked those connections.
I could even say that i loved them … but too bad that exploring the boundaries … was seen as something … dirty. Then Nolene comes again into my mind … while saying …. “I
live to enjoy and tell the tale....” and the secret was that i
loved to wrote about … all around me.
It was probably … kind of a weird … therapy.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
45
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
There will be moments in life when only the abstract work
might express your emotions. And … should not even bother to explain the painting to them.
Recently i had the chance to talk to Ozlem Thompson. She is Turkish artist based in the United Kingdom whose paintings have been exhibited in both England and the United States. Her works combine the dreamy scenes in her mind with the reality that she witnesses in nature. Thompson describes her vibrant compositions as being a vehicle for her subconscious which helps her connect with and understand the universe.
I watched how she is painting … the vibration of that passion … and i was amazed.
Truth be told, i don’t know anything about art … but somehow … having the ability of connecting to those vibrations of the art work … i start to understand Ozlem. I looked on and on and on at her paintings and then a philosophical question comes to my mind … “If i would have the talent of my new friend Ozlem … how would i paint life?! And how the painting of my own life would look like?!” I close my eyes and i try to imagine that.
And indeed … i see 2 paintings.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
46
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
One … which is a representation of my inner world … and looks like …. a painting representing the … life seen as a perfect case scenario.
But i look to the right … and i see the other one … and i simple dislike it.
Is a horrible…. painting.
In fact … could not even name it painting … but it is so abstract that i am forced to use the word … painting. Unfortunately … that was representing my real life …. my reality.
I had lots of problems … which i had enough of … but they existed.
I had to accept their presence… cause i could not get rid … of them.
And suddenly … a brilliant idea came to me.
You see … i was mad … cause i had some problems with the city hall, with some constructions permits.
The mayor and the vice mayor … acting like 2 idiots from the country side where not signing me the papers.
A useless conflict … and even if i tried all my best to apply everything i knew about diplomacy … i failed. No one was listening to me.
It was like i was speaking japanese …. but the problem was
that i was in Europe.
All my efforts of explaining to them … my opinions … were in vain.
I was like a ghost … and they could not even see me … so why the hell … was i still hoping to be heard by those people?!
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
47
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
Then i remember that i my country … with money …. you can
do whatever you want … no matter how silly you would think and act on the stage of life.
I was looking at the city hall and i wondered myself what if i could hire some artists to make graffiti on the right side of building with … Tom & Jerry and on the left one we should paint the mistresses of those people that were running the commune … and were actually dominating the minds and the souls of the mayor and the vice mayor.
Should that be too abstract for the 2 idiots i am talking about?!
So i even start to think of calling the chief of police and tell him my plans so that i could negotiate with him … the fine for that.
I was smiling and i wanted to write even to Ozlem … to ask an advice from her about that painting … but how could i bother her for such a stupidity?!
It should be a nonsense … and she is not painting such things.
So … could i dare … to ask her opinion?!
Well … Ozlem is a human being … same as me and the 2 stupid bastards which were running the city hall from the commune i was living it.
So … maybe she would understand my thoughts and … emotions.
Then i stop thinking about my conflict for one second… and i look again at the paintings of my dear friend. She was so abstract.
But she decided to paint only the beautiful side from this Universe.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
48
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
So … Ozlem … knew the trick for a beautiful life … and i was so blind … and could do that.
I only had to paint that inner world, same as my friend was doing … and ignore the outside world fucked up so many times by the idiots around us.
Maybe i was afraid that it was too abstract … but still … i had to continue painting it.
My inner world was so beautiful and i had to learn from Ozlem to express it … but also enjoy the passion of painting it.
That painting …. once finished will make the world … the one
we call real …. much beautiful.
Or at least … maybe just make people forget for one second
the stupidity of this real Universe that we painted in such ugly colors.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
49
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
Beyond the nonsense
… we’ll find our deepest desires
I was in an amazing bar in the old center of the city … with Brian, Paul and few other friends. All … just men between 40 and 50.
Everyone was drinking beer of different kinds and the atmosphere was amazing.
In fact … i was the only one that was not drinking … but still … i loved their company.
But guess what we talked about?!
Well … what the hell could be in the mind of such men ….
except women.
Some were talking about love affairs with ladies from work, some about flirting with a young lady who is staying in the same building … and some even started to speak about their fantasies.
Brian was good about telling such stories.
He started to tell us his idealistic vision … about how could a man over 40 … be happy.
His dream was … and i apologize in front of the ladies for telling such story … to go in a vacation in an exotic resort, at a 5 star hotel, near the ocean …. with 3 young ladies.
And he starts to give us so many details, that i believe he could be such a great writer for erotic books … but because i
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
50
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
did not drink anything … i asked him … “ Brian … why do you think you have such a desire?! What is behind this fantasy?!
Why do we all from here … have such a dream when we become older that 40?!
What is the deep meaning of all that?!”
Paul … smiling … says … “Well … maybe we all dream of a life of a king.
All of us from here have similar fantasies.
Some of us admit it in front of the public … and some do not admit it … but … the fantasy itself, which looks as a nonsense
reveals in fact our deepest desires …. and maybe secrets also.”
Paul was right.
Brian … told us about a story that is revealed at a man … over 40 years old.
When most probably … a man already achieved in life … almost everything he ever dreamed for … the fantasies start to dominate us.
Looks as nonsenses, but maybe it’s not.
Or … maybe beyond the nonsense … we’ll find our deepest desires.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
51
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
Motivational questions are
very important … if you want to evolve … but they are also annoying
(Adrian Gabriel Dumitru)
My question to you is - Ten years ago, how much of your current life did you plan for it to be the way it is? 60%? 30%? 90%?
Are you living the life you planned (married, kids, success in business) but now realise you are maybe not happy with it?
Maybe it's exactly how you always wanted your life to be but you crave for a little bit more now?
(Nolene Sheppard)
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
52
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE
philosophical essays
If you can’t say what you really think in front of the life partner …. you are
certainly in the wrong story
A writer i know by a long time told me recently his story. Married, with children, having everything he ever wanted … but realizing he is not really happy … he started to write defining his thoughts.
And wrote so much … that one day he was in the position of having lots of books published. He was just writing.
Everyday.
But actually what my friend was doing was that ….he became
his own therapist … and worked together his own self … to have a cure for his unhappiness.
And he was analyzing and defining all what was going on … not being able yet to redefine in any way his life. He started to love … writing.
The process became kind of … medicine … that was calming his soul.
But the huge problem was that one day, by accident …. his
wife discovered his books.
And … read all those thoughts.
Totally annoyed, feeling even betrayed of staying near such a person … she started to be so furious that … wanted to end
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
53
A MARRIED MAN … PERCEPTIONS ABOUT … LOVE philosophical essays
the life together.
“It’s not that you have 2 faces ….
I believe you have 1000 faces.
You are a sick … sick … man.”
“My dear … i am not sick.
Or maybe i was … but i started to cure myself by a long, long time.
It’s not about faces … masks …. or whatever you might name
that …
All you read were my thoughts.
My contradictory thoughts.
but all of them … my thoughts. My feelings … my emotions …” “You are a sick man ….” “Because i think … and i write?! Hahahahahaha!
At least i have the right of being honest … with myself.” The argue continued … for hours.
She could not believe … that he is … a writer … and could not stand all those thoughts that she read … in his books.
If … before … the marriage could be defined as being fucked up … this was probably its funeral.
