We meet …. we make love … and then spend time together …
without saying a word to each other.
This is actually …. my new therapy … and the guy … my new
therapist.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
74
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
But my question to you is … also related to this book you write now … about the disease of more and more …. what if this is actually … an addiction too?!”
I smiled … understanding her … into the same time.
My dear friend from high school …. was doing huge efforts to
heal her soul.
Even the need and the desire to heal what many defined as
mental problems … was in fact … a journey on pathless paths.
Maybe … i had those mental problems too … but i was not aware of them.
I had many times …. difficult moments … when i felt …. i lost my mind …. but … i ignored that.
I ignored that … i should have … a therapy.
And maybe it was better … cause i would end up like my friend changing the medicines and the therapists … on and on and on.
I looked at her … and smiling … i’ve told her … “ Maybe the only wise decision… you’ve took in all those 30 years … is this guy … that you meet … everyday.
The rest is a story … like all the ones from my new book … about trying to get rid of our problems … more and more and more … but ending up … realizing … nothing.”
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
75
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
The story of more and more … became an illusory journey of going deeper and deeper?!
Whatever i’ve tried into my life was about … more and more. When i’ve started to read books … i’ve wanted to read more and more and more.
When i’ve become a real estate investor … i’ve realized … i want more and more properties.
When i’ve started to write … i’ve published quotes …. as into
the end to have a huge desire of publishing more and more books.
I actually wanted to publish a new book at every … 2 weeks. A minimum of 20 books a year … was the target from my silly innocent … brain.
But analyzing myself … trying to really understand why the hell …. all what i am doing … it’s actually just a story about
more and more … i’ve came to a weird conclusion. Somehow … i’ve realized that i was living with the belief that more and more means going deeper and deeper … but it was actually an unconscious desire of filling the void from my soul.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
76
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Yes … i believed i “fix” my soul … by having more properties, making more money, having more clients, publishing more books, having more readers and interactions into my social media platforms etc etc.
All was about … more and more.
I continued lying myself that going deeper and deeper in all
what i was doing … it’s actually a positive issue … but…
Well … it was all … a lie …
A big, big lie …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
77
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
When it’s about more and more and more … it’s all karmic. … a lesson of life.
You get angry … too much.
You drink too much alcohol.
You like women so much …. that you simple don’t even count
their numbers anymore.
You love money … and you would do anything to have more and more.
You believe your hobby … whatever that means … it’s an amazing idea … and you focus more and more and more on it.
You start taking drugs and you have the brilliant idea that … taking more and more and more … will save your soul.
The list of examples about … more and more … is so, so long … but …
Well … the funny thing is that we don’t even realize it all became … an addiction.
More relationships , more painted paintings, more vacations, more money … more, more, more ….
It’s all about more … and nobody bothers to tell us about the karmic concepts …. and not even about what an addiction is.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
78
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
But what is beyond that?!
Why we do have this desire of more?!
Why we believe that in this illusory concept of more … there will be a chance to discover … the beauty of life?!
Today … i believe … after experiencing lots, lots of repetitive experiences… that more … it’s first of all the unconscious desire of healing our souls … and second …. the karmic message … that we should be aware of.
A life lesson … a story that needs to redefine us … as souls… But … of course … it’s just a perception ….
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
79
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
First … we dislike it.
Then we hate it. Later on we just hate it …
from all our hearts.
and all is amplified… more and more and more.
But the question is … why?!
I lived accepting hate into my soul.
… many, many times.
I’ve lived lots of episodes when i did not realized that my main purpose is … to hate.
And lived this scenario … accepting it as … normality.
The hate was amplified… more and more … and more.
I’ve somehow became the emotional prisoner of such an ugly reality, not realizing that i am wasting my life.
The hate itself became … more and more dominant … and i was not even realizing it.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
80
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Or maybe i’ve realized it … but i could not control reality anymore.
Even my meditations were … useless.
Hate was there … deep inside … like a cancerous tumor … defining so clearly my soul … but …
I was aware of the facts … but it was really impossible to get out from this situation.
I knew that hate is a negative emotion and i should not allow
myself to accept into my soul any emotion as that … but i
was … too weak ….
It happened.
Hate appeared … and then it became more and more obvious that i lost the control.
I’ve lost the control … on myself.
… on my own conscious… and my own soul.
All my analyzes… all my tries of becoming a better soul … all … was just canceled.
Hate … then amplified hate … simple took control … like a daemon over my being.
And i’ve become a slave … an emotional slave of life. But what it was funny was that all happened with my acceptance …. which is indeed ridiculous…
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
81
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
The quality of people from the scene of our lives is actually a reflection of the …. inner self
I see such a large spectrum of people on the stage of my own life.
I look at them … and even if i know by a long, long time that all of them … are my own reflection …. I just can’t accept it. And it’s so annoying to look at all those characters …
Well … especially when i start to see a certain type of profile which i dislike from all my heart. Then … i see … more and more.
They appear from nowhere into my life.
1,2 …. 7,8 … 29 … and more and more.
I look at them … and just hate them.
I say to myself … that i would do anything to fix this issue …
and really wish from my soul that all those annoying people
to just disappear … but …
Nothing improves.
Into my life … there is no real change …
I know for sure … but can’t accept that all i see is a reflection of my own soul.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
82
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
I balance between contradictory thoughts … even if it is all ….
so obvious.
… by such a long time.
My soul had moments when was ok, but also lots of moments when … it was not ok …
It was all like the weather from outside …. cause one day was
sunny and one … raining …
Time was passing … and i’ve became more and more aggressive in front of these annoying people from the stage of my life.
I was … also … afraid of them.
Dislike them.
Hate them.
Want to get rid of them … but …
I was so stupid that i was not aware of the fact that the mirror is always showing what it’s in front of it.
I was … indeed … an idiot … that could not accept that all those meetings i had … were actually signals that i was not … ok.
Or at least … that there were moments when i was … not ok. But … recently… i’ve started to realize that the quality of people from the scene of my life is actually a reflection of my …. inner self.
And that is time to … pay attention at all those … reflections.
And accept all as signals … that something is wrong.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
83
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
When lots of weird fears
but also the agitation is overwhelming you …
disconnecting from all is
the only solution.
We know to analyze and define the world … but only when it comes to the outside world.
When it comes about our own souls … we prove to suffer of … blindness.
We simple don’t really understand what is going on … inside of our souls.
Or refuse to accept what the intuition is whispering us … all the time.
Today i am a little bit afraid of this concept of … more and more.
Maybe this is the reason why i’ve started to write such a book.
But i am writing … as a way of having … kind of a self therapy.
I write my thoughts.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
84
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
I analyze them … trying to define all.
I still can’t say I’ve understood the subject.
No … it should be a lie to tell you that.
But what i’ve noticed … each time when i was in this illusory story of more and more … was that i was always dominated by lots of silly fears.
My soul was agitated… and i could almost do nothing to change that.
Well … until one day … when i’ve dared to tell myself that i have the right to not live like that. I can simple … disconnect from all.
And it was so damn easy.
Cut the connection between me and whatever i disliked into the outside world … no matter what it was about. A simple decision.
One that i could take … long, long time ago.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
85
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Seeing life in freudian style philosophy … most probably …. a must.
A nice saying … which i really love is … “It’s not what it looks like”.
But in the beginning … i found it … ridiculous.
Even when i saw the documentary movie with this title … i could not pay a real attention to those words … and understand their meaning.
But i was living more and more …. nonsense stories.
My life was a waste of time and energy.
It all became a collection of stupid episodes … and nothing improved.
I saw the nonsense … everywhere … but could not realize its meaning.
I was living the same episodes … having the same subject ….
on and on and on.
But … it all looked like … i could not change anything at all into my life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
86
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
The phase … “it’s not what it looks like” … remained active into my mind … but … still …. nothing improved.
I knew i have to go deeper into my analyzes… but … Maybe i had to change my way of thinking and see all into the … freudian style.
Understand that beyond the nonsense… there is always a message … whispered by the Universe.
The only thing we have to do … is to always …. analyze and
define.
And …
Well … maybe the truth was that …. i did not really knew how
to practice the art of seeing beyond reality.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
87
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Only the good intentions can help you get out of … what looks like … unfair situations
In life … it’s all about how good actors we are.
I know indeed … by a long time … that the theory which says
life itself is a play and we are … actors on this stage … is so, so annoying … but … recently i’ve started to ask myself why the hell i need to love those experiences.
Stories … which many of them … i just disliked.
But … most probably … i had to experience what i could define as … my life lessons.
My … karmic life lessons.
It was so damn annoying … and even if i’ve always remembered that life is a play and we are just actors in those illusory karmic stories … i could not change anything.
I felt more and more … living the same repetitive experiences that i was … wasting my life … being prisoner of a reality which i totally dislike.
My soul started to be full filled with more and more … unhappiness.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
88
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
In fact … it became dominated by unhappiness… and maybe this is the real reason i’ve became a writer …. cause trying to
understand what is going on … and also find a way out of such a situation … i’ve became more aware of the meaning of what all was.
I felt a victim of life.
I felt … i am in unfair situations.
I felt prisoner of realities which i did not wanted to be part of … but … could not see the way out.
Well … until one day when i’ve realized the Universe will not release me from that karmic prison … unless i start to play better on the stage of life … and be a great actor. But how could i do this?!
My meditations … whispered me that the only real thing i could do … is to have good intentions in all what i was doing. And practice … as a daily exercise … infinite love and … the infinite understanding … with everything and everyone … we see.
That’s probably the only way out of this … matrix … called karmic experiences.
And of course … accept all … as a divine plan … and stop believing we are gods …. and we can control all what is going on … cause we don’t really have control on anything at all.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
89
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
A new day.
A new chance to play better … on the scene of our lives.
Imagine we would live into a perfect world.
Imagine that any of the episodes of our lives … could be … perfect.
Every day … could be an amazing one.
Or …
We could live … feeling … it’s an amazing one.
I’ve started to redefine … my thoughts.
Much more often as i used to do it into my past.
Today i wake up … and wonder myself … why it happened … again … to wake up.
Why i still have the purpose to be here?!
Why it happened again … to live a new day?!
In fact … more and more of … why?! Why?! Why?! ….
They keep appearing into my mind … on and on and on.
But my life was … day after day … almost the same.
I was living the same scenario.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
without saying a word to each other.
This is actually …. my new therapy … and the guy … my new
therapist.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
74
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
But my question to you is … also related to this book you write now … about the disease of more and more …. what if this is actually … an addiction too?!”
I smiled … understanding her … into the same time.
My dear friend from high school …. was doing huge efforts to
heal her soul.
Even the need and the desire to heal what many defined as
mental problems … was in fact … a journey on pathless paths.
Maybe … i had those mental problems too … but i was not aware of them.
I had many times …. difficult moments … when i felt …. i lost my mind …. but … i ignored that.
I ignored that … i should have … a therapy.
And maybe it was better … cause i would end up like my friend changing the medicines and the therapists … on and on and on.
I looked at her … and smiling … i’ve told her … “ Maybe the only wise decision… you’ve took in all those 30 years … is this guy … that you meet … everyday.
The rest is a story … like all the ones from my new book … about trying to get rid of our problems … more and more and more … but ending up … realizing … nothing.”
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
75
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
The story of more and more … became an illusory journey of going deeper and deeper?!
Whatever i’ve tried into my life was about … more and more. When i’ve started to read books … i’ve wanted to read more and more and more.
When i’ve become a real estate investor … i’ve realized … i want more and more properties.
When i’ve started to write … i’ve published quotes …. as into
the end to have a huge desire of publishing more and more books.
I actually wanted to publish a new book at every … 2 weeks. A minimum of 20 books a year … was the target from my silly innocent … brain.
But analyzing myself … trying to really understand why the hell …. all what i am doing … it’s actually just a story about
more and more … i’ve came to a weird conclusion. Somehow … i’ve realized that i was living with the belief that more and more means going deeper and deeper … but it was actually an unconscious desire of filling the void from my soul.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
76
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Yes … i believed i “fix” my soul … by having more properties, making more money, having more clients, publishing more books, having more readers and interactions into my social media platforms etc etc.
All was about … more and more.
I continued lying myself that going deeper and deeper in all
what i was doing … it’s actually a positive issue … but…
Well … it was all … a lie …
A big, big lie …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
77
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
When it’s about more and more and more … it’s all karmic. … a lesson of life.
You get angry … too much.
You drink too much alcohol.
You like women so much …. that you simple don’t even count
their numbers anymore.
You love money … and you would do anything to have more and more.
You believe your hobby … whatever that means … it’s an amazing idea … and you focus more and more and more on it.
You start taking drugs and you have the brilliant idea that … taking more and more and more … will save your soul.
The list of examples about … more and more … is so, so long … but …
Well … the funny thing is that we don’t even realize it all became … an addiction.
More relationships , more painted paintings, more vacations, more money … more, more, more ….
It’s all about more … and nobody bothers to tell us about the karmic concepts …. and not even about what an addiction is.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
78
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
But what is beyond that?!
Why we do have this desire of more?!
Why we believe that in this illusory concept of more … there will be a chance to discover … the beauty of life?!
Today … i believe … after experiencing lots, lots of repetitive experiences… that more … it’s first of all the unconscious desire of healing our souls … and second …. the karmic message … that we should be aware of.
A life lesson … a story that needs to redefine us … as souls… But … of course … it’s just a perception ….
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
79
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
First … we dislike it.
Then we hate it. Later on we just hate it …
from all our hearts.
and all is amplified… more and more and more.
But the question is … why?!
I lived accepting hate into my soul.
… many, many times.
I’ve lived lots of episodes when i did not realized that my main purpose is … to hate.
And lived this scenario … accepting it as … normality.
The hate was amplified… more and more … and more.
I’ve somehow became the emotional prisoner of such an ugly reality, not realizing that i am wasting my life.
The hate itself became … more and more dominant … and i was not even realizing it.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
80
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Or maybe i’ve realized it … but i could not control reality anymore.
Even my meditations were … useless.
Hate was there … deep inside … like a cancerous tumor … defining so clearly my soul … but …
I was aware of the facts … but it was really impossible to get out from this situation.
I knew that hate is a negative emotion and i should not allow
myself to accept into my soul any emotion as that … but i
was … too weak ….
It happened.
Hate appeared … and then it became more and more obvious that i lost the control.
I’ve lost the control … on myself.
… on my own conscious… and my own soul.
All my analyzes… all my tries of becoming a better soul … all … was just canceled.
Hate … then amplified hate … simple took control … like a daemon over my being.
And i’ve become a slave … an emotional slave of life. But what it was funny was that all happened with my acceptance …. which is indeed ridiculous…
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
81
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
The quality of people from the scene of our lives is actually a reflection of the …. inner self
I see such a large spectrum of people on the stage of my own life.
I look at them … and even if i know by a long, long time that all of them … are my own reflection …. I just can’t accept it. And it’s so annoying to look at all those characters …
Well … especially when i start to see a certain type of profile which i dislike from all my heart. Then … i see … more and more.
They appear from nowhere into my life.
1,2 …. 7,8 … 29 … and more and more.
I look at them … and just hate them.
I say to myself … that i would do anything to fix this issue …
and really wish from my soul that all those annoying people
to just disappear … but …
Nothing improves.
Into my life … there is no real change …
I know for sure … but can’t accept that all i see is a reflection of my own soul.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
82
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
I balance between contradictory thoughts … even if it is all ….
so obvious.
… by such a long time.
My soul had moments when was ok, but also lots of moments when … it was not ok …
It was all like the weather from outside …. cause one day was
sunny and one … raining …
Time was passing … and i’ve became more and more aggressive in front of these annoying people from the stage of my life.
I was … also … afraid of them.
Dislike them.
Hate them.
Want to get rid of them … but …
I was so stupid that i was not aware of the fact that the mirror is always showing what it’s in front of it.
I was … indeed … an idiot … that could not accept that all those meetings i had … were actually signals that i was not … ok.
Or at least … that there were moments when i was … not ok. But … recently… i’ve started to realize that the quality of people from the scene of my life is actually a reflection of my …. inner self.
And that is time to … pay attention at all those … reflections.
And accept all as signals … that something is wrong.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
83
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
When lots of weird fears
but also the agitation is overwhelming you …
disconnecting from all is
the only solution.
We know to analyze and define the world … but only when it comes to the outside world.
When it comes about our own souls … we prove to suffer of … blindness.
We simple don’t really understand what is going on … inside of our souls.
Or refuse to accept what the intuition is whispering us … all the time.
Today i am a little bit afraid of this concept of … more and more.
Maybe this is the reason why i’ve started to write such a book.
But i am writing … as a way of having … kind of a self therapy.
I write my thoughts.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
84
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
I analyze them … trying to define all.
I still can’t say I’ve understood the subject.
No … it should be a lie to tell you that.
But what i’ve noticed … each time when i was in this illusory story of more and more … was that i was always dominated by lots of silly fears.
My soul was agitated… and i could almost do nothing to change that.
Well … until one day … when i’ve dared to tell myself that i have the right to not live like that. I can simple … disconnect from all.
And it was so damn easy.
Cut the connection between me and whatever i disliked into the outside world … no matter what it was about. A simple decision.
One that i could take … long, long time ago.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
85
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Seeing life in freudian style philosophy … most probably …. a must.
A nice saying … which i really love is … “It’s not what it looks like”.
But in the beginning … i found it … ridiculous.
Even when i saw the documentary movie with this title … i could not pay a real attention to those words … and understand their meaning.
But i was living more and more …. nonsense stories.
My life was a waste of time and energy.
It all became a collection of stupid episodes … and nothing improved.
I saw the nonsense … everywhere … but could not realize its meaning.
I was living the same episodes … having the same subject ….
on and on and on.
But … it all looked like … i could not change anything at all into my life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
86
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
The phase … “it’s not what it looks like” … remained active into my mind … but … still …. nothing improved.
I knew i have to go deeper into my analyzes… but … Maybe i had to change my way of thinking and see all into the … freudian style.
Understand that beyond the nonsense… there is always a message … whispered by the Universe.
The only thing we have to do … is to always …. analyze and
define.
And …
Well … maybe the truth was that …. i did not really knew how
to practice the art of seeing beyond reality.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
87
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
Only the good intentions can help you get out of … what looks like … unfair situations
In life … it’s all about how good actors we are.
I know indeed … by a long time … that the theory which says
life itself is a play and we are … actors on this stage … is so, so annoying … but … recently i’ve started to ask myself why the hell i need to love those experiences.
Stories … which many of them … i just disliked.
But … most probably … i had to experience what i could define as … my life lessons.
My … karmic life lessons.
It was so damn annoying … and even if i’ve always remembered that life is a play and we are just actors in those illusory karmic stories … i could not change anything.
I felt more and more … living the same repetitive experiences that i was … wasting my life … being prisoner of a reality which i totally dislike.
My soul started to be full filled with more and more … unhappiness.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
88
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
In fact … it became dominated by unhappiness… and maybe this is the real reason i’ve became a writer …. cause trying to
understand what is going on … and also find a way out of such a situation … i’ve became more aware of the meaning of what all was.
I felt a victim of life.
I felt … i am in unfair situations.
I felt prisoner of realities which i did not wanted to be part of … but … could not see the way out.
Well … until one day when i’ve realized the Universe will not release me from that karmic prison … unless i start to play better on the stage of life … and be a great actor. But how could i do this?!
My meditations … whispered me that the only real thing i could do … is to have good intentions in all what i was doing. And practice … as a daily exercise … infinite love and … the infinite understanding … with everything and everyone … we see.
That’s probably the only way out of this … matrix … called karmic experiences.
And of course … accept all … as a divine plan … and stop believing we are gods …. and we can control all what is going on … cause we don’t really have control on anything at all.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
89
THE DESIRE OF MORE IS A FEAR
... philosophical essays
A new day.
A new chance to play better … on the scene of our lives.
Imagine we would live into a perfect world.
Imagine that any of the episodes of our lives … could be … perfect.
Every day … could be an amazing one.
Or …
We could live … feeling … it’s an amazing one.
I’ve started to redefine … my thoughts.
Much more often as i used to do it into my past.
Today i wake up … and wonder myself … why it happened … again … to wake up.
Why i still have the purpose to be here?!
Why it happened again … to live a new day?!
In fact … more and more of … why?! Why?! Why?! ….
They keep appearing into my mind … on and on and on.
But my life was … day after day … almost the same.
I was living the same scenario.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
