But in reality … it was a real fact.
I looked at him again … analyzing and trying to define why the hell this could happen to the human being.
My father died of cancer … and i trend to believe that i know a little about the psychological side of this story.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
45
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
I never cared of what really cancer is …. medically speaking
but i somehow understood it’s about …. involution … mentally, spiritually … but also … physically.
It is actually accepting … degradation as part of the story of being here.
Kind of a secondary effect.
And i was looking at the guy and wanted to whisper him that was actually into his powers to stop this process … even if the doctors defined the situation as being … the terminal stage of the disease.
But it was so easy for me to talk … about it.
Maybe he was dominated by some weird energies from inside of him ... and he could not fight anymore.
I could reveal him all the psychological tricks … but … maybe it was useless.
I was looking at him again … and realized it all started from inside, but …
Maybe my friend …. could not understand what depression is … and why those negative thoughts from his mind … destroyed him.
Coming back to myself … trying to analyze and define my own life … i could probably say that i was lucky cause i could get rid of my own negative thoughts from time to time.
I learned to simple … disconnect from them.
So many years i thought that …. I am what i think about … and it’s not that this saying it’s not true …. but i understood i can simple stop believing that my thoughts are the absolute truth and that i need to identify myself with them.
It was all … a stupid dogmatic belief … and i knew it was not real.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
46
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
But … many times i was staying into that prison of thoughts. Maybe the only real difference was that i was getting out of this prison from time to time …. even if i was always coming back … there.
I knew more than my new friend …. that was into this stage
of terminal cancer … but still i was continuing making many of the mistake he was doing.
On and on …. and on.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
47
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Complains … complains …
complains …
Well …. just switch
the channel
I have a cousin that calls me from time to time ….
complaining about his life.
And he keeps talking for tens of minutes … never being able to stop himself.
All the time it’s about complains regarding his own life … and to be honest i had enough of listening to him.
Last time i’ve told him … “Listen Tom! I’ve got an important phone call from the White House! I really need to answer … Sorry about that …. “
Of course it was a ridiculous lie … but …. I really had to stop
the conversation with him … having enough of hearing those complains … on and on and on.
But a much weird situation than me … has my dear old friend Carla
Her husband stoped having a normal sexual relationship with her … complaining it’s just too much … considering also the fact that they don’t have a good connection anymore.
Her lover … recently said to her something … similar …. and it
was really difficult to define with Carla what is really going on.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
48
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Why 2 idiots like those 2 guys … could say something like that to such a beautiful lady?!
It was really hard to understand …. but …
Well … it was all about issues that those people dislike on the scene of life … but me and Carla totally disagree to stay around people with depressive minds … that complain all the time.
Maybe they were right … and those were signals that something was wrong … but still …
Same as me …. Carla decided in the end to totally disconnect
from all the people from her life …. that were complaining on
and on and on.
Wanted … a redefined life … disconnected from ugly energies. Yes … maybe all those people complaining are right when defining the situations from reality … but in the end … it’s all about seeing the beautiful or the dark side of everything it’s around us.
And maybe it’s ok my attitude…. just to disconnect and run
away.
I act like switching the radio channel … but it’s my fundamental right of doing whatever i want on the scene of my life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
49
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Being different … a way of healing our depressive side
I study a lot the way i act on the stage of life … and i try to understand why some people act into a dogmatic way … trying to follow a certain path that might take them to happiness … and some refuse doing that.
And every time when i see a person that looks or act weird … i realize from the first second it’s all about the need of disconnecting from the standards … cause they understood that happiness … can’t have patterns … or standard ways of getting it.
Then i remember about a close friend that keeps saying me all the time when we meet … “Don’t be weird!”.
Every time when i don’t follow standard paths … she just reminds me of that.
But i actually started to believe that she dislikes me doing that …. being jealous that i dare to do it.
I look again at my behavior … at my dreams … making also a parallel analysis with all those “weird” people which i see on the stage of my life … and i simple … smile.
Most probably … having enough of following all the standard ideas of how happiness could be obtained … seeing the huge
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
50
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
gap between all we want and what we actually have … we totally get rid of dogmatism.
We see inside of us a depressive side … which we try to heal …
All this way of acting … it’s a try … of …
So … maybe we should stop defining “weird” as something bad.
It’s probably just a trend of finding the path to … happiness
not believing anymore what society learned us … to do. Being weird … becomes the way in how we trust our inner self…. our intuition … that life can be beautiful … if we dare stop being dogmatic.
But also … the expression of the fact that we have to get rid of unhappiness, ugly vibes and even … depression.
And hope that … the path … the real one we chase for … will be found.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
51
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
My unhappy face
was revealing … the whole truth
More and more people were telling me that i look unhappy.
And … I hate to hear that.
I even wanted to ask them … do i look unhappy or depressed?!
… but it was difficult to define that.
I was analyzing myself … trying to understand the meaning of my unhappy face …. but …
Time was passing … and nothing changed.
I’ve even started to look more on the mirror … to check … the status of my emotional health … but … i was always looking the same.
I hated when i had to take photos … with myself …. cause i
had again and again to deal with … the same truth.
And analyzing… i came to the point when i had to be honest enough with me … and ask myself on and on and on … am i unhappy or depressed?!
I read again the definition of depression… trying to understand the concept of mood disorder … and remembered about that time of .. 2 weeks … the theory was talking about. But … I was like that …. by years. Hahahaha …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
52
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
It was nothing else to do … than laugh.
Laugh … of myself.
Somehow it was obvious i was into a state of … non-ending depression … but …
Analyzing more …. I realized that … even if i looked
depressive… maybe i was not.
I was just unhappy … i was living my life into the way i was living it.
I was living into a world … which i did not liked … and i was actually unhappy cause i was living like there. The moments of loneliness … were different.
I was … different … all the time …. when i had the chance to
be … alone.
I forgot about …. the unhappiness… but also about … the
illusory depression.
Maybe … all i had to do was to … think how i could be more and more time … alone.
And of course … disconnect from all those … ugly emotions … which were dominating my soul.
I started …. with hope … to realize that i am not unhappy or
depressed … but … i was just prisoner … into an universe … or universes … which i disliked.
I … maybe … could start to disconnect… emotionally… and live more … into my inner world. In there … alone … i was always ok.
And i could even say … happy.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
53
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Not seeing the future …. Is
not a disability … but more a reaction of the fact that we can’t count on hope anymore.
Or even worst …. we simple realize
we are on a … pathless path … and any plan for future should be useless to be defined.
I met lots of people that are making plans … and speak about those plans … a lot.
But i also met … during the years … people that don’t see anything related to their future. They have … no plans at all.
No specific desire … related to what is going to come next … and …
Well …. they simple live life … as it is.
And … I look at these both … profiles.
The one seeing the future, connected to the present moment, to the hope … and the one that looks …. but maybe just into a illusory way that … don’t believe in … hope.
Such a big difference … between them.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
54
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
But all what i wonder today … for my own scenario of life … is … what is the best option?!
To connect to the hope … and dream about the future?!
or totally ignore this so called art of making …. plans?! I know it looks a little bit depressive not to see anything related to what is going to happen next … or even worst … not even to care … but …
I realize that … i am personally… somewhere into the middle …. living into the both ways …. dreaming, but also ignoring … the future.
And i start to analyze much deeper, my own way of acting in life … trying to understanding why many times we have projections related to the future, but many times …. there is not the case to speak about any kind of plan … anymore.
I ask myself … why do i feel … being …. on a pathless path?!
and what is the connection between such a feeling and the disability to live with … hope?!
It almost looks to me that i am dominated by an emotional balance …. living indeed between hope … and depression. So … is it right … doing that?!
Could i stop myself … having this weird disability of having positive projections about my life?!
Maybe … yes …. Maybe … no …
But …. I also might say … that being on a pathless path …. makes total sense to … start ignoring … anything related to those energies.
A weird negative behavior … which is actually … a reaction in front of a real case scenario … that we simple don’t want to continue anymore.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
55
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
And what looks like a soul … dominated by negativity and depression is actually … the desire of not being anymore into that story … realizing it’s all a nonsense… that does not need to continue anymore.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
56
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Defining the truth
…. sometimes … so,
so annoying and depressive
I recently met a guy that even if he was in what could be defined as the perfect love story … he used to say … on and on and on … that all he was living was just … an illusion. Well …. I have moments in life when i have the guts to define
the truth too … but my question was … is all what this guy use to say … true or he was having just a stupid negative perception about his reality?!
And how the hell … something that looks perfect … could be defined as … illusory?!
I was looking at him … at his way of explaining me all what going on … and analyzing his emotions … i’ve realized … he was maybe …. right.
All what he was saying … looked so … depressive… but … maybe it was … not …
He was keep explaining me … on and on and on … his feelings … and his vision about the present moment …. which
looked perfect and into the same time … so, so illusory … that i’ve even became … a little bit … annoyed … listening to him.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
57
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
I started to ask myself … if i am … in fact … in front of a depressive person …. or .. of a guy that trying to define the
paths of his life he realized that his perfect script is just … illusory.
He was indeed in front of a nonsense … but i was keep wondering myself … if he is crazy … or actually a guy … seeing beyond reality.
I was listening…. contradictory perceptions about the same
scenario … defined into a negative, but also a positive way. It was actually a speech … about the duality … of life …. and this guy was more a thinker that analyzing too much his life
he understood that all what is going on … it’s illusory. But … he was living into the real life.
He had moments … of enjoying that life.
… and he also had moments of loneliness … when he felt himself trapped…. into an illusion.
I will not bother to write about his arguments… which were very good and also clear … for both scenarios … but … somehow realized it was annoying to listen to … all what was going on ….
I decided to … stamp this guy …. as a person obsessed of the duality of life … and actually as an opener of perceptions … for myself also.
Most probably i had … my own illusory perfect stories … but being afraid of defining into the same time a moment as perfect … but also as illusory … i could not live a life as this … thinker … i am talking about.
I preferred to live … running away of … depressive perceptions.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
58
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
i simple accepted to be ignorant …. than being annoyed of contradictory…
And … i even started to …. dislike this guy … which revealed me that … i might one day be in the position of defining … the real truth … about my life.
I looked at him again … analyzing and trying to define why the hell this could happen to the human being.
My father died of cancer … and i trend to believe that i know a little about the psychological side of this story.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
45
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
I never cared of what really cancer is …. medically speaking
but i somehow understood it’s about …. involution … mentally, spiritually … but also … physically.
It is actually accepting … degradation as part of the story of being here.
Kind of a secondary effect.
And i was looking at the guy and wanted to whisper him that was actually into his powers to stop this process … even if the doctors defined the situation as being … the terminal stage of the disease.
But it was so easy for me to talk … about it.
Maybe he was dominated by some weird energies from inside of him ... and he could not fight anymore.
I could reveal him all the psychological tricks … but … maybe it was useless.
I was looking at him again … and realized it all started from inside, but …
Maybe my friend …. could not understand what depression is … and why those negative thoughts from his mind … destroyed him.
Coming back to myself … trying to analyze and define my own life … i could probably say that i was lucky cause i could get rid of my own negative thoughts from time to time.
I learned to simple … disconnect from them.
So many years i thought that …. I am what i think about … and it’s not that this saying it’s not true …. but i understood i can simple stop believing that my thoughts are the absolute truth and that i need to identify myself with them.
It was all … a stupid dogmatic belief … and i knew it was not real.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
46
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
But … many times i was staying into that prison of thoughts. Maybe the only real difference was that i was getting out of this prison from time to time …. even if i was always coming back … there.
I knew more than my new friend …. that was into this stage
of terminal cancer … but still i was continuing making many of the mistake he was doing.
On and on …. and on.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
47
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Complains … complains …
complains …
Well …. just switch
the channel
I have a cousin that calls me from time to time ….
complaining about his life.
And he keeps talking for tens of minutes … never being able to stop himself.
All the time it’s about complains regarding his own life … and to be honest i had enough of listening to him.
Last time i’ve told him … “Listen Tom! I’ve got an important phone call from the White House! I really need to answer … Sorry about that …. “
Of course it was a ridiculous lie … but …. I really had to stop
the conversation with him … having enough of hearing those complains … on and on and on.
But a much weird situation than me … has my dear old friend Carla
Her husband stoped having a normal sexual relationship with her … complaining it’s just too much … considering also the fact that they don’t have a good connection anymore.
Her lover … recently said to her something … similar …. and it
was really difficult to define with Carla what is really going on.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
48
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Why 2 idiots like those 2 guys … could say something like that to such a beautiful lady?!
It was really hard to understand …. but …
Well … it was all about issues that those people dislike on the scene of life … but me and Carla totally disagree to stay around people with depressive minds … that complain all the time.
Maybe they were right … and those were signals that something was wrong … but still …
Same as me …. Carla decided in the end to totally disconnect
from all the people from her life …. that were complaining on
and on and on.
Wanted … a redefined life … disconnected from ugly energies. Yes … maybe all those people complaining are right when defining the situations from reality … but in the end … it’s all about seeing the beautiful or the dark side of everything it’s around us.
And maybe it’s ok my attitude…. just to disconnect and run
away.
I act like switching the radio channel … but it’s my fundamental right of doing whatever i want on the scene of my life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
49
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Being different … a way of healing our depressive side
I study a lot the way i act on the stage of life … and i try to understand why some people act into a dogmatic way … trying to follow a certain path that might take them to happiness … and some refuse doing that.
And every time when i see a person that looks or act weird … i realize from the first second it’s all about the need of disconnecting from the standards … cause they understood that happiness … can’t have patterns … or standard ways of getting it.
Then i remember about a close friend that keeps saying me all the time when we meet … “Don’t be weird!”.
Every time when i don’t follow standard paths … she just reminds me of that.
But i actually started to believe that she dislikes me doing that …. being jealous that i dare to do it.
I look again at my behavior … at my dreams … making also a parallel analysis with all those “weird” people which i see on the stage of my life … and i simple … smile.
Most probably … having enough of following all the standard ideas of how happiness could be obtained … seeing the huge
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
50
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
gap between all we want and what we actually have … we totally get rid of dogmatism.
We see inside of us a depressive side … which we try to heal …
All this way of acting … it’s a try … of …
So … maybe we should stop defining “weird” as something bad.
It’s probably just a trend of finding the path to … happiness
not believing anymore what society learned us … to do. Being weird … becomes the way in how we trust our inner self…. our intuition … that life can be beautiful … if we dare stop being dogmatic.
But also … the expression of the fact that we have to get rid of unhappiness, ugly vibes and even … depression.
And hope that … the path … the real one we chase for … will be found.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
51
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
My unhappy face
was revealing … the whole truth
More and more people were telling me that i look unhappy.
And … I hate to hear that.
I even wanted to ask them … do i look unhappy or depressed?!
… but it was difficult to define that.
I was analyzing myself … trying to understand the meaning of my unhappy face …. but …
Time was passing … and nothing changed.
I’ve even started to look more on the mirror … to check … the status of my emotional health … but … i was always looking the same.
I hated when i had to take photos … with myself …. cause i
had again and again to deal with … the same truth.
And analyzing… i came to the point when i had to be honest enough with me … and ask myself on and on and on … am i unhappy or depressed?!
I read again the definition of depression… trying to understand the concept of mood disorder … and remembered about that time of .. 2 weeks … the theory was talking about. But … I was like that …. by years. Hahahaha …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
52
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
It was nothing else to do … than laugh.
Laugh … of myself.
Somehow it was obvious i was into a state of … non-ending depression … but …
Analyzing more …. I realized that … even if i looked
depressive… maybe i was not.
I was just unhappy … i was living my life into the way i was living it.
I was living into a world … which i did not liked … and i was actually unhappy cause i was living like there. The moments of loneliness … were different.
I was … different … all the time …. when i had the chance to
be … alone.
I forgot about …. the unhappiness… but also about … the
illusory depression.
Maybe … all i had to do was to … think how i could be more and more time … alone.
And of course … disconnect from all those … ugly emotions … which were dominating my soul.
I started …. with hope … to realize that i am not unhappy or
depressed … but … i was just prisoner … into an universe … or universes … which i disliked.
I … maybe … could start to disconnect… emotionally… and live more … into my inner world. In there … alone … i was always ok.
And i could even say … happy.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
53
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Not seeing the future …. Is
not a disability … but more a reaction of the fact that we can’t count on hope anymore.
Or even worst …. we simple realize
we are on a … pathless path … and any plan for future should be useless to be defined.
I met lots of people that are making plans … and speak about those plans … a lot.
But i also met … during the years … people that don’t see anything related to their future. They have … no plans at all.
No specific desire … related to what is going to come next … and …
Well …. they simple live life … as it is.
And … I look at these both … profiles.
The one seeing the future, connected to the present moment, to the hope … and the one that looks …. but maybe just into a illusory way that … don’t believe in … hope.
Such a big difference … between them.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
54
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
But all what i wonder today … for my own scenario of life … is … what is the best option?!
To connect to the hope … and dream about the future?!
or totally ignore this so called art of making …. plans?! I know it looks a little bit depressive not to see anything related to what is going to happen next … or even worst … not even to care … but …
I realize that … i am personally… somewhere into the middle …. living into the both ways …. dreaming, but also ignoring … the future.
And i start to analyze much deeper, my own way of acting in life … trying to understanding why many times we have projections related to the future, but many times …. there is not the case to speak about any kind of plan … anymore.
I ask myself … why do i feel … being …. on a pathless path?!
and what is the connection between such a feeling and the disability to live with … hope?!
It almost looks to me that i am dominated by an emotional balance …. living indeed between hope … and depression. So … is it right … doing that?!
Could i stop myself … having this weird disability of having positive projections about my life?!
Maybe … yes …. Maybe … no …
But …. I also might say … that being on a pathless path …. makes total sense to … start ignoring … anything related to those energies.
A weird negative behavior … which is actually … a reaction in front of a real case scenario … that we simple don’t want to continue anymore.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
55
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
And what looks like a soul … dominated by negativity and depression is actually … the desire of not being anymore into that story … realizing it’s all a nonsense… that does not need to continue anymore.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
56
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
Defining the truth
…. sometimes … so,
so annoying and depressive
I recently met a guy that even if he was in what could be defined as the perfect love story … he used to say … on and on and on … that all he was living was just … an illusion. Well …. I have moments in life when i have the guts to define
the truth too … but my question was … is all what this guy use to say … true or he was having just a stupid negative perception about his reality?!
And how the hell … something that looks perfect … could be defined as … illusory?!
I was looking at him … at his way of explaining me all what going on … and analyzing his emotions … i’ve realized … he was maybe …. right.
All what he was saying … looked so … depressive… but … maybe it was … not …
He was keep explaining me … on and on and on … his feelings … and his vision about the present moment …. which
looked perfect and into the same time … so, so illusory … that i’ve even became … a little bit … annoyed … listening to him.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
57
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
I started to ask myself … if i am … in fact … in front of a depressive person …. or .. of a guy that trying to define the
paths of his life he realized that his perfect script is just … illusory.
He was indeed in front of a nonsense … but i was keep wondering myself … if he is crazy … or actually a guy … seeing beyond reality.
I was listening…. contradictory perceptions about the same
scenario … defined into a negative, but also a positive way. It was actually a speech … about the duality … of life …. and this guy was more a thinker that analyzing too much his life
he understood that all what is going on … it’s illusory. But … he was living into the real life.
He had moments … of enjoying that life.
… and he also had moments of loneliness … when he felt himself trapped…. into an illusion.
I will not bother to write about his arguments… which were very good and also clear … for both scenarios … but … somehow realized it was annoying to listen to … all what was going on ….
I decided to … stamp this guy …. as a person obsessed of the duality of life … and actually as an opener of perceptions … for myself also.
Most probably i had … my own illusory perfect stories … but being afraid of defining into the same time a moment as perfect … but also as illusory … i could not live a life as this … thinker … i am talking about.
I preferred to live … running away of … depressive perceptions.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
58
DEPRESSION … THE GATEWAY TO THE REAL HAPPINESS
... philosophical essays
i simple accepted to be ignorant …. than being annoyed of contradictory…
And … i even started to …. dislike this guy … which revealed me that … i might one day be in the position of defining … the real truth … about my life.
