On and on and on.
Until one day when he said … “Stop! It is enough!”
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
30
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
Feeling he was destroying himself … he ended the story … helped also by circumstances.
He was … a free man …. again … but he was still afraid of the
fact that he could come back into the arms of that … lady … that he used to love so, so much.
James told me over the years lots of details about that story
many of them being totally contradictory things … and
should be useless to tell you all of them … cause i am just … an essayist.
I always … write … just the short story.
One year after the breakup with Madeleine … James even wrote a novel about what he used to define as the … prison of an amazing love story.
And still … he was afraid that one day he will come back into the arms of that lady.
Reading the novel i was amazed of all the details … describing the love story.
Knew many of those details … but still could not understand James for 100%.
I could not understand why after writing hundreds of pages with so many details about that lady … he still defines the love story as … a prison.
It was … a total nonsense.
But … the book … had two chapters.
The love story … and life after the love story.
I saw James … so dominated by that story … as nowadays to see a new … James.
The tells me about the beauty of flowers … the beauty of weather … no matter if it is about a sunny or a rainy day … about his 3 kids … about everyone and everything from the
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
31
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
timeline of his life.
I somehow felt him like being a guardian that he is watching himself … to never get back at that lady.
Loved the love story … but hated that he was dominated … and felt for such a long time … like a prisoner of his emotions.
So …. same person could be defined as a prisoner, but also
as a guardian.
James talked with me a lot about my book “Analyze. Define. Redefine.”
He somehow applied all those principles.
But the only real escape for him was to replace an amazing love story … with another one … totally different.
A love story with his kids .. and his family … and all the people he knew or interacted with … I was still amazed on … James.
Talked so much with him … but still could not define him in a certain way.
I saw a guy … afraid of being … prisoner again.
A could define him today as the guardian that is watching … so that he will not be dominated again of certain emotions … of love.
And … the only escape was … to replace the love for a certain person … with loving everyone and everything around himself.
Few days ago … James wrote me again,
We talk about his case … making together kind of a therapy
but we end all the time talking about us … as humans. We try to understand him … or myself … but we actually focus on understanding the human being.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
32
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
But i feel … he is ok today.
At least much better.
much detached. And i like him more.
I knew very well … that James that lost his minds because of that love story … but i preferred more this new version of James .. the one that is defining me a flower with … love.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
33
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
We should not remain the prisoners of our past.
…. Not even of the beautiful memories.
People suffering of trauma are … in my opinion the prisoners … of their past experiences.
Life continued, but after 10-15 or even 20 years … you can still see them trapped into something from the past … that ruined their whole existence.
But a much weird and difficult to be understood case is the one of the people that remained prisoner of their … beautiful memories.
The ones that are still dreaming of moments from childhood … still thinking of the connection with their friends or … parents.
Or the ones that one time in the past … they used to have a great job.
… or … people that had an amazing love story … that ended … but …
I see many into this weird pattern … of being prisoners of their past love experiences.
The present moment is just … nothing … comparing with those times.
For example … a close friend … showed me yesterday photos from his phone …. with a naked lady … that used to be his girlfriend many years ago.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
34
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
Now Natasha … that was her name … lived in Saint Petersburg…. being married with a very rich guy … but …. Well … Natasha was unhappy.
She was still remembering Bill … and sent him sexy photos all the time.
I smiled when my friend told me that Natasha’s “project” was to … divorce … in the near future.
But Bill … did not cared so much about … this so called … project.
He had in his phone lots of other pictures with other ladies. And still … his present moment was not so … bright … cause i saw him alone for such a long, long time.
So … are we talking about amazing experiences … that don’t allow us anymore to live happy into the present moment?! I thought like many others that only bad experience have a negative impact on us … but i see people as Bill and Natasha that …. being still trapped into their past … can’t enjoy the present anymore.
Carpe diem … is not on their daily to do list.
They were indeed looking like the prisoners of their beautiful past experiences … but did not had any clue about that. They believed probably that reality itself it’s a grey one today
but they spent too much time thinking of something that does not exist anymore.
I was doing the same as them …. many times into my past. Today was so easy for me to analyze and define them … but
when it came about myself … i was still blind.
I could not disconnect from everything meant … my past.
I could not act also as a guardian that would pay attention at all the details.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
35
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
That could whisper me … “Be aware! Stay disconnected from what past means!”
Carpe diem … is not on my to do list … either.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
36
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
Absent ...
I’ve changed
I … feel it.
But can’t make them see it.
So i protest
being absent Even if they see me
… in front of their eyes.
I chased for a deep change … a lot.
I chased it for years.
Don’t know what was into my mind …. but i wanted that … a
lot.
Most probably i felt myself a prisoner of a reality that … i totally disliked.
Today …. I’m in the Universe.
Basically …. nothing changed around myself.
The same people …. and i spend my time into the same
places … and it really looks all the same.
But you see … the time … made me realize that i’m incapable of changing my outside world.
tried.
tried …. a lot.
And i ended feeling like a Don Quixote …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
37
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
Sawing it was useless … trying to change anything around myself … i stoped doing anything …
Why to bother change the places where i spend my time?!
Why to bother change the people around myself?!
It’s not that i did not tried.
I tried it.
one million times. And i failed … Always failed.
So … i had only one chance.
To change myself …. but how could i do that?! I had … no clue … about that ….
Time was passing again.
I’ve started to meditate … a lot.
I’ve meditated so much … that people around myself started to accuse me that … i really became a prisoner of my thoughts.
And it was true.
I was with them … but absent into the same time. Even looked like a person with …. autism.
But … i felt it was all ok.
I’ve accepted the process of my change … and all what was going on with me.
I’ve accepted that i became so, so … absent .. even if everyone around myself …. totally disliked that … telling me that all the time … on and on and.
It was like i was the prisoner of my own soul … and started to like it.
Being absent … became a hobby .. A hobby which i adored.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
38
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
And i was paying a lot of attention so that i won’t connect with them so much … anymore.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
39
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
Love stories are many times looking from outside as … prisons.
Especially … in the end … it all becomes so damn …. clear.
I’ve worked with Thomas and Sabina into a humanitarian project.
She joined first … and then … few weeks later he also came to help us.
The best way i could probably define both of them is … as
being … weird people.
Not bad persons.
Good characters … but … it could never be a pleasure to stay in their company.
At least … not for me.
But looking at them from time to time … i saw that they always were together.
I felt they were a couple … but … i had the confirmation very late.
Watching them … was a lesson about …. domination … cause
she was totally dominating him.
Sabina was much younger … but so, so dominant for him. In a time when we say that slavery does not exists anymore
Thomas was the guy that actually infirmed the theory. After writing the book “Influencing and being influenced” …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
40
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
watching daily this couple i could probably write the book “Dominating and being dominated”.
Or maybe … i saw the wrong side of the story.
But unfortunately for them … Thomas had to leave for another humanitarian mission in a country for Africa.
I did not liked him so much …. so i was not so sad cause he
left us.
He did not liked me either … so we don’t even bothered to say good bye to each other.
The next day at the office …. I saw her … extremely unhappy.
Most probably she had cried a lot.
Usually she was unhappy … but now she had an unhappiness which i never saw before.
I knew he will not come back very soon.
Maybe … it will be months till they will see each other again. Sarcastic … i even wanted to ask her … “Are you unhappy because the love story stoped … or because your slave …. left?!”
As a man … from my perspective … it all looked like a prison for Thomas … and i was still wondering if she really loved him
or maybe she loved a lot that she could dominate him into an absolute way.
But without him … she felt totally devastated.
So … suddenly i started to ask myself … was she the one that was dominated in fact by his energies?!
Why she looked so devastated?!
Was she the one that looked like dominated him … but in fact he was dominating her … into a weird invisible …. silence?! Maybe things were totally different than … what i saw.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
41
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
Maybe too much love becomes in one point … much too dominant.
And the persons involved into the love story … become the slaves of it.
Or maybe today …. I totally dislike those kinds of stories ….
so …. I was just seeing the wrong side of everything …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
42
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
The karmic prison
is …. the worst
I write my books in the morning while drinking my coffee … but also … late into the night when i am resting on the sofa from my living room.
By a long time i realized … and even wrote a book with the subject that … i am actually having kind of a self therapy. All i write it’s mostly about what happens on the scene of my own life.
I change the names … with other names … and make people believe that it’s all happening into a far away country … most probably from another continent.
My wife …. reading and getting annoyed of all what she finds
out into my books … she tells me all the time that even if it does not look so … for 100% my writings are not about …. fantasy.
But … all i am doing while writing … is that i try to analyze and define … all what is going on into my life. And i do that all the time.
I try to understand myself and the meaning of all the events from my life.
Defining all what it’s going on it’s a little bit funny sometimes … but i realize i need to continue doing that.
I pay attention at all the details … and understood by a long, long time that … all it’s repetitive into my life … it’s karmic
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
43
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
….and i should be very aware of that.
But guess what?!
In the morning … while enjoying my coffee and writing all my thoughts … i see all so damn clear.
Then i leave home … and i simple forget everything i’ve wrote.
I become again that person which it’s forgetting about the illusion of life … and all what i am writing into my books.
In the night … when everything stops around myself … i start to write again.
I realize that i made the same mistakes.
I wasted one more day from my life … forgetting that my time in here it’s so damn limited.
I see myself in kind of a karmic prison … living the same episodes on and on and on.
And even if i analyze all at the beginning and the end of the day … on the scene of life i have the same blindness.
I am acting like … an idiot … doing the same mistakes on and on and on.
So … i’m actually balancing between realizing and not really understanding that i am a prisoner of a … karmic life.
I could simple …. stop starting my day.
Stop believing that all what it’s going on … it’s real.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
44
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
I do believe that we
have the right at … a parallel life
I know so, so many people that have … an unhappy life.
It’s almost like a virus … but still … i can’t understand what is really going on … that i see them having that bad vibe all the time.
It’s like they are trapped in a prison with invisible walls
… and …
Hmm …
Still … difficult to understand.
But one day i’ve met a guy that recently came out of jail … and i chatted with him for more than an hour … explaining me the way things are in there.
It looks like they are prisoners that are not allowed to get out of their cell … and also prisoners that during the day they can do whatever they want inside the prison.
Until one day when he said … “Stop! It is enough!”
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
30
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
Feeling he was destroying himself … he ended the story … helped also by circumstances.
He was … a free man …. again … but he was still afraid of the
fact that he could come back into the arms of that … lady … that he used to love so, so much.
James told me over the years lots of details about that story
many of them being totally contradictory things … and
should be useless to tell you all of them … cause i am just … an essayist.
I always … write … just the short story.
One year after the breakup with Madeleine … James even wrote a novel about what he used to define as the … prison of an amazing love story.
And still … he was afraid that one day he will come back into the arms of that lady.
Reading the novel i was amazed of all the details … describing the love story.
Knew many of those details … but still could not understand James for 100%.
I could not understand why after writing hundreds of pages with so many details about that lady … he still defines the love story as … a prison.
It was … a total nonsense.
But … the book … had two chapters.
The love story … and life after the love story.
I saw James … so dominated by that story … as nowadays to see a new … James.
The tells me about the beauty of flowers … the beauty of weather … no matter if it is about a sunny or a rainy day … about his 3 kids … about everyone and everything from the
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
31
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
timeline of his life.
I somehow felt him like being a guardian that he is watching himself … to never get back at that lady.
Loved the love story … but hated that he was dominated … and felt for such a long time … like a prisoner of his emotions.
So …. same person could be defined as a prisoner, but also
as a guardian.
James talked with me a lot about my book “Analyze. Define. Redefine.”
He somehow applied all those principles.
But the only real escape for him was to replace an amazing love story … with another one … totally different.
A love story with his kids .. and his family … and all the people he knew or interacted with … I was still amazed on … James.
Talked so much with him … but still could not define him in a certain way.
I saw a guy … afraid of being … prisoner again.
A could define him today as the guardian that is watching … so that he will not be dominated again of certain emotions … of love.
And … the only escape was … to replace the love for a certain person … with loving everyone and everything around himself.
Few days ago … James wrote me again,
We talk about his case … making together kind of a therapy
but we end all the time talking about us … as humans. We try to understand him … or myself … but we actually focus on understanding the human being.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
32
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
But i feel … he is ok today.
At least much better.
much detached. And i like him more.
I knew very well … that James that lost his minds because of that love story … but i preferred more this new version of James .. the one that is defining me a flower with … love.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
33
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
We should not remain the prisoners of our past.
…. Not even of the beautiful memories.
People suffering of trauma are … in my opinion the prisoners … of their past experiences.
Life continued, but after 10-15 or even 20 years … you can still see them trapped into something from the past … that ruined their whole existence.
But a much weird and difficult to be understood case is the one of the people that remained prisoner of their … beautiful memories.
The ones that are still dreaming of moments from childhood … still thinking of the connection with their friends or … parents.
Or the ones that one time in the past … they used to have a great job.
… or … people that had an amazing love story … that ended … but …
I see many into this weird pattern … of being prisoners of their past love experiences.
The present moment is just … nothing … comparing with those times.
For example … a close friend … showed me yesterday photos from his phone …. with a naked lady … that used to be his girlfriend many years ago.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
34
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
Now Natasha … that was her name … lived in Saint Petersburg…. being married with a very rich guy … but …. Well … Natasha was unhappy.
She was still remembering Bill … and sent him sexy photos all the time.
I smiled when my friend told me that Natasha’s “project” was to … divorce … in the near future.
But Bill … did not cared so much about … this so called … project.
He had in his phone lots of other pictures with other ladies. And still … his present moment was not so … bright … cause i saw him alone for such a long, long time.
So … are we talking about amazing experiences … that don’t allow us anymore to live happy into the present moment?! I thought like many others that only bad experience have a negative impact on us … but i see people as Bill and Natasha that …. being still trapped into their past … can’t enjoy the present anymore.
Carpe diem … is not on their daily to do list.
They were indeed looking like the prisoners of their beautiful past experiences … but did not had any clue about that. They believed probably that reality itself it’s a grey one today
but they spent too much time thinking of something that does not exist anymore.
I was doing the same as them …. many times into my past. Today was so easy for me to analyze and define them … but
when it came about myself … i was still blind.
I could not disconnect from everything meant … my past.
I could not act also as a guardian that would pay attention at all the details.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
35
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
That could whisper me … “Be aware! Stay disconnected from what past means!”
Carpe diem … is not on my to do list … either.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
36
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
Absent ...
I’ve changed
I … feel it.
But can’t make them see it.
So i protest
being absent Even if they see me
… in front of their eyes.
I chased for a deep change … a lot.
I chased it for years.
Don’t know what was into my mind …. but i wanted that … a
lot.
Most probably i felt myself a prisoner of a reality that … i totally disliked.
Today …. I’m in the Universe.
Basically …. nothing changed around myself.
The same people …. and i spend my time into the same
places … and it really looks all the same.
But you see … the time … made me realize that i’m incapable of changing my outside world.
tried.
tried …. a lot.
And i ended feeling like a Don Quixote …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
37
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
Sawing it was useless … trying to change anything around myself … i stoped doing anything …
Why to bother change the places where i spend my time?!
Why to bother change the people around myself?!
It’s not that i did not tried.
I tried it.
one million times. And i failed … Always failed.
So … i had only one chance.
To change myself …. but how could i do that?! I had … no clue … about that ….
Time was passing again.
I’ve started to meditate … a lot.
I’ve meditated so much … that people around myself started to accuse me that … i really became a prisoner of my thoughts.
And it was true.
I was with them … but absent into the same time. Even looked like a person with …. autism.
But … i felt it was all ok.
I’ve accepted the process of my change … and all what was going on with me.
I’ve accepted that i became so, so … absent .. even if everyone around myself …. totally disliked that … telling me that all the time … on and on and.
It was like i was the prisoner of my own soul … and started to like it.
Being absent … became a hobby .. A hobby which i adored.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
38
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
And i was paying a lot of attention so that i won’t connect with them so much … anymore.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
39
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
Love stories are many times looking from outside as … prisons.
Especially … in the end … it all becomes so damn …. clear.
I’ve worked with Thomas and Sabina into a humanitarian project.
She joined first … and then … few weeks later he also came to help us.
The best way i could probably define both of them is … as
being … weird people.
Not bad persons.
Good characters … but … it could never be a pleasure to stay in their company.
At least … not for me.
But looking at them from time to time … i saw that they always were together.
I felt they were a couple … but … i had the confirmation very late.
Watching them … was a lesson about …. domination … cause
she was totally dominating him.
Sabina was much younger … but so, so dominant for him. In a time when we say that slavery does not exists anymore
Thomas was the guy that actually infirmed the theory. After writing the book “Influencing and being influenced” …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
40
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
watching daily this couple i could probably write the book “Dominating and being dominated”.
Or maybe … i saw the wrong side of the story.
But unfortunately for them … Thomas had to leave for another humanitarian mission in a country for Africa.
I did not liked him so much …. so i was not so sad cause he
left us.
He did not liked me either … so we don’t even bothered to say good bye to each other.
The next day at the office …. I saw her … extremely unhappy.
Most probably she had cried a lot.
Usually she was unhappy … but now she had an unhappiness which i never saw before.
I knew he will not come back very soon.
Maybe … it will be months till they will see each other again. Sarcastic … i even wanted to ask her … “Are you unhappy because the love story stoped … or because your slave …. left?!”
As a man … from my perspective … it all looked like a prison for Thomas … and i was still wondering if she really loved him
or maybe she loved a lot that she could dominate him into an absolute way.
But without him … she felt totally devastated.
So … suddenly i started to ask myself … was she the one that was dominated in fact by his energies?!
Why she looked so devastated?!
Was she the one that looked like dominated him … but in fact he was dominating her … into a weird invisible …. silence?! Maybe things were totally different than … what i saw.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
41
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
Maybe too much love becomes in one point … much too dominant.
And the persons involved into the love story … become the slaves of it.
Or maybe today …. I totally dislike those kinds of stories ….
so …. I was just seeing the wrong side of everything …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
42
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
The karmic prison
is …. the worst
I write my books in the morning while drinking my coffee … but also … late into the night when i am resting on the sofa from my living room.
By a long time i realized … and even wrote a book with the subject that … i am actually having kind of a self therapy. All i write it’s mostly about what happens on the scene of my own life.
I change the names … with other names … and make people believe that it’s all happening into a far away country … most probably from another continent.
My wife …. reading and getting annoyed of all what she finds
out into my books … she tells me all the time that even if it does not look so … for 100% my writings are not about …. fantasy.
But … all i am doing while writing … is that i try to analyze and define … all what is going on into my life. And i do that all the time.
I try to understand myself and the meaning of all the events from my life.
Defining all what it’s going on it’s a little bit funny sometimes … but i realize i need to continue doing that.
I pay attention at all the details … and understood by a long, long time that … all it’s repetitive into my life … it’s karmic
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
43
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
….and i should be very aware of that.
But guess what?!
In the morning … while enjoying my coffee and writing all my thoughts … i see all so damn clear.
Then i leave home … and i simple forget everything i’ve wrote.
I become again that person which it’s forgetting about the illusion of life … and all what i am writing into my books.
In the night … when everything stops around myself … i start to write again.
I realize that i made the same mistakes.
I wasted one more day from my life … forgetting that my time in here it’s so damn limited.
I see myself in kind of a karmic prison … living the same episodes on and on and on.
And even if i analyze all at the beginning and the end of the day … on the scene of life i have the same blindness.
I am acting like … an idiot … doing the same mistakes on and on and on.
So … i’m actually balancing between realizing and not really understanding that i am a prisoner of a … karmic life.
I could simple …. stop starting my day.
Stop believing that all what it’s going on … it’s real.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
44
I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN
philosophical essays
I do believe that we
have the right at … a parallel life
I know so, so many people that have … an unhappy life.
It’s almost like a virus … but still … i can’t understand what is really going on … that i see them having that bad vibe all the time.
It’s like they are trapped in a prison with invisible walls
… and …
Hmm …
Still … difficult to understand.
But one day i’ve met a guy that recently came out of jail … and i chatted with him for more than an hour … explaining me the way things are in there.
It looks like they are prisoners that are not allowed to get out of their cell … and also prisoners that during the day they can do whatever they want inside the prison.
