And i believe the same … telling them … “such a lucky guy …” It’s indeed unbelievable … how contradictory perceptions we can have over the same subject … but my question is … why we should pretend we have the same views?!
My wife … would dislike this essay … defining me again as a
jerk … but still … why should i pretend i believe something else?!
How many times into my life … i’ve pretended i believed something else … just to align myself at what the society was believing?!
So … why the hell … should i pretend?! Why?!
Why should i not give myself the freedom of having any kind of perception?!
Well ….
Today … i’m a little bit …. wild into my thinking. Maybe … in total contradiction with … the masses.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
46
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
We can have a great connection on long term only with the people that pretend they do not see that we lose our minds from time to time.
In the real world … i daily work with an amazing crazy girl. She knows i am a writer … and sometimes even read my essays … defining them all the time as … nonsenses.
One day … she asked me to write about her … and define her spirit … so … today i decided to do it .
We all the time …. have to speak on the phone 50 times a
day … and of course there are many moments when we argue and even … can’t stand each other.
But bottomline … we have a great connection.
And you know why?!
Well …. because we respect the right of each other … to lose
our minds from time to time.
We have kind of a tacit understanding … that when the other side is not on the right emotional frequency …. we just smile
and instead of reacting … we simple make sarcastic jokes. So … i tell her … “What kind of marihuana are you smoking?! Maybe i should try it.”
And she sometimes replies to me … “Maybe it’s time to change your cocaine dealer … “
We even make jokes … saying that if police would listen our conversations … would probably come and arrest us … And no one of us have any drug addiction.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
47
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
Or least …. not me …. Hahahaha.
But you see … in many other relationships … i could not find this ability of acting like that.
I don’t allow to the other people close to myself this right of being and acting into a wild …. crazy way … not even … occasionally.
Maybe it’s time to change a little bit.
To start pretending … that we don’t see things which we dislike … things we don’t agree … and the fact that … on long term people lose their ability of being and acting into the proper way.
Cause long term connections ask … infinite understanding ….
on all sides.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
48
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I knew it was all an illusion … but i was pretending i’m not really seeing that
More and more … i see around myself … what it’s called … the illusion of the self.
I see people prisoners … or maybe i should even say … slaves ….of different circumstances that are not allowing them to
understand the real meaning of the Universe where we live in.
And i see it so damn clear …
But it’s funny … cause when the same things are happening to me … i prove that i am suffering of spiritual … blindness. What i defined as an illusory life … it looks so fucking real … and all the theories i spoke before …. I see them as total nonsenses.
But time passed … and i started to change a little bit. Somehow i began to stop seeing myself the victim of circumstances.
I started to feel more and more .. that all around myself … all what i see … it’s an illusion.
But i was still wondering how the hell … the Infinite Intelligence would allow that the life itself to be … so illusory?!
… to be a … nonsense.
Little by little … somehow … even if i was pretending i was not realising the whole meaning … why all was like that …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
49
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
deep inside myself … i was feeling that someone is whispering me those so well hidden secrets of life.
And i was living a weird balance … between feeling the truth and pretending i was not feeling it. But i was making progresses.
I started to accept all what was going on into my life … as part of a process that meant to make me … at least start … following the path of awakening.
And still … the emotional balance continued … in my soul ….
but also into my real life.
I had some weird feelings, but i was pretending i was not seeing that.
Was looking at all the people around myself … and somehow i started to believe that i finally understand the concept of the illusion of the self.
But … things were still unclear …
At least this is how it looked like … cause on the scene of my real life … all was in total contradiction with what i wrote into my books.
And again … i was pretending i was not seeing that.
I was realizing that the meaning of the illusion was that one
day … we should finally understand the illusion of the self.
To help us … get rid of it!
But …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
50
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Sex …. it’s about remembering us how to
connect to … the present moment
I see around myself so many … disconnected people.
I see them unhappy … and actually living a life that they totally dislike.
Reality itself … just … sucks.
This is how they should define life … if someone would ask them about themselves.
Darpe Diem …. which could be translated as … enjoy the
present moment … it’s a concept that most probably … not so
many people know about.
And still?!
Are those people i see around myself …. zombies?!
People that just breath … and pretend that they live?!
Souls that don’t see anything?!
That live lives …. with no meaning … no positive emotions?!
How can they stand … living in such a way?!
Why connecting to the present moment it’s an impossible fact?!
How can they survive like that?!
Why the hell … life looks so ridiculous … for all those people?! I smile defining such a version of life … cause even if i am pretending i am not living such a life … most probably … i am into the same story.
I like it or not …. reality … and all the other statistical datas
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
51
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
about myself … say that.
But … of course …. I deny it.
I deny the fact that i have this disability of connecting to reality … and whatever the present moment means.
Carpe diem … is for myself … just a theoretical concept and nothing more.
But one day … i suddenly remember about … sex.
And i ask myself …. what meaning it has in our lives … as
humans?!
And i smile again …
I realize that it is one of the only ways in how we connect to
the moment …
So?!
Hmm …
It might explain why so many chase for that … even if it is most probably … just illusory.
Well … it’s actually a way in how …. zombies become alive ….
and …
But once those moments end … reality … sucks … again … and again …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
52
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I am an introvert pretending that is … extrovert.
But also have many moments
when … I’m an extrovert … pretending like being an introvert.
If i would define my personality … i should probably tell you contradictory stories.
My books are actually kind of a diary … with my thoughts, feelings … and emotions.
Which many time looks so damn … different … every day. And i have days … when i really feel like an introvert … which lives in his inner world … but also days when i act on the stage of life as a weird extrovert.
So … defining myself … i somehow realize that it’s so useless to do it … cause i can’t even say for sure if i am introvert or extrovert.
But can say for sure that i am many times .. weird. Balancing being a weird introvert … or a weird extrovert … and i somehow realize that the word … weird … defines me the best.
Or maybe on the stage of the real life … not really knowing how i should really act … i am simple improvising … pretending all the time of being … who i am really not. I forget … that i could simple be … who i really am.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
53
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Connect to my inner self … and give myself the freedom of allowing to be expressed on the stage of life … no matter what that means.
… and probably … stop pretending.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
54
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Waiting for Christmas … but one … dominated by my desires … and nothing
more ….
Without snow … Christmas is not anymore what it used to be.
But still … the concept itself …. It’s amazing.
We might find again … even if just for a short time … the power to believe in magic.
And it’s so nice ….
To find again … that amazing hope … that allows us … getting all we desire.
To believe one more time that desires … could become true.
We remember about … that magic … but today we see
Christmas in a totally different way.
We … changed.
We are … totally different … than we used to be.
Lost that innocence … which we had many years ago … when we were kids.
The new version of Christmas … it’s related with the things we have in mind today.
But speaking with my friends … Brian and Paul … which so many believe that are my imaginary friends … we defined the gifts we want from Santa.
One was chasing for a blonde … one for a brunette… but i could not pretend anymore …. cause i was not focused anymore on the exterior world.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
55
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I had in mind … a certain imaginary lady … but all i wished now ... was to have … a beautiful soul. I had enough … illusions.
And had enough … of believing they were real.
I was still chasing for the perfect case scenario … but probably that could be represented just by an inner beauty. Closing my eyes … i saw it was a lady … and even a very beautiful one … but i could not touch her lips … It was all a dream …
The dream …. My dream … the reflection of my desires … written to Santa.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
56
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Truth be told … even if we pretend so, so much … it’s so obvious we are … so damn false
In my country …. during the winter holiday … groups of
children …. but sometimes even adults … are visiting the
neighborhood …. to wish to the people all the best.
And … one day a group of 25- 30 people came to my house … singing us Christmas songs … pretending they wished me … from their hearts … all the best life can offer to me. I looked at them … and laughed.
I looked at their faces … and realized they just pretend … to get some cash for singing those songs.
I knew all of them … and with no one i could say …. that i
have a good relationship.
So … i was wondering … how the hell they could come to my house and pretend like idiots?! It was ridiculous …
So … my reply was sarcastic.
Paid them 2 dollars …. and in the end …. they could not
believe it … that i was doing that to them.
Well … maybe i was in a time of my life ….when i realized
that pretending it’s useless.
I thought that to be sarcastic … it’s better than being … false. 2 dollars … for all those false … best wishes … was in my perception …. a lot.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
57
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
They left … disappointed … but before they left … i even repeated them 2 times … “Please avoid me next Christmas…. Pleeeaseee!”
Well …. What can i say?!
… at least i succeed not to pretend anymore ….
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
58
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Special connections … between souls. We like each other … but we pretend … it’s not like that … even if it is so damn obvious
Over the years i observed that sometimes ….with some of the
people from the timeline of my life … i really have special connections.
Both men and women.
But … many, many times i avoided showing that i really liked
those connections.
As many … others.
Looking … and analyzing the others …. I also try to
understand myself … but … in one point i simple can’t understand the …. non sense.
Why if 2 people … are having a special connection … why they don’t explore it … in all the ways?!
What if a man and a woman … both married … with someone
else … discover this special connection between them?!
What should they do?!
But what should i do?!
I remember that once i met a lady … that i would marry with … after 15 minutes.
I spent with her 2-3 hours into my office discussing about a project …. pretending that we really talked about that .. even
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
59
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
if in fact … we were enjoying the fact that we’ve met and … But …. never saw her again … after.
Talked few times on the phone after … and never heard of her anymore.
The connection itself made me understand the meaning of a … special connection …
Maybe i knew that person from another life time … or … Today … i came to a point when i chase for … such connections … but unfortunately i am in a point of my life when i have to deal more with … karmic connections.
So … i just dream for that …. even if when life offers me that
opportunity … i always miss the chance of … enjoying that.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
60
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Not connecting.....you choose not to?... or is
there an energy barrier that is creating
the disconnection?
Nolene Sheppard
Today i spoke again with her about Ella.
Sometimes she tells me about her patients … and Ella’s case look a lot with an old story of mine. It looked like Marc and Ella met again.
by accident … but ending one more time … kissing and making love … at the first hotel they found on their way. They did not saw each other …. almost a year … but after 5 minutes of staying together … they decided … to try again … connecting to each other.
Unfortunately … one year … was a long time.
My wife … would dislike this essay … defining me again as a
jerk … but still … why should i pretend i believe something else?!
How many times into my life … i’ve pretended i believed something else … just to align myself at what the society was believing?!
So … why the hell … should i pretend?! Why?!
Why should i not give myself the freedom of having any kind of perception?!
Well ….
Today … i’m a little bit …. wild into my thinking. Maybe … in total contradiction with … the masses.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
46
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
We can have a great connection on long term only with the people that pretend they do not see that we lose our minds from time to time.
In the real world … i daily work with an amazing crazy girl. She knows i am a writer … and sometimes even read my essays … defining them all the time as … nonsenses.
One day … she asked me to write about her … and define her spirit … so … today i decided to do it .
We all the time …. have to speak on the phone 50 times a
day … and of course there are many moments when we argue and even … can’t stand each other.
But bottomline … we have a great connection.
And you know why?!
Well …. because we respect the right of each other … to lose
our minds from time to time.
We have kind of a tacit understanding … that when the other side is not on the right emotional frequency …. we just smile
and instead of reacting … we simple make sarcastic jokes. So … i tell her … “What kind of marihuana are you smoking?! Maybe i should try it.”
And she sometimes replies to me … “Maybe it’s time to change your cocaine dealer … “
We even make jokes … saying that if police would listen our conversations … would probably come and arrest us … And no one of us have any drug addiction.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
47
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
Or least …. not me …. Hahahaha.
But you see … in many other relationships … i could not find this ability of acting like that.
I don’t allow to the other people close to myself this right of being and acting into a wild …. crazy way … not even … occasionally.
Maybe it’s time to change a little bit.
To start pretending … that we don’t see things which we dislike … things we don’t agree … and the fact that … on long term people lose their ability of being and acting into the proper way.
Cause long term connections ask … infinite understanding ….
on all sides.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
48
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I knew it was all an illusion … but i was pretending i’m not really seeing that
More and more … i see around myself … what it’s called … the illusion of the self.
I see people prisoners … or maybe i should even say … slaves ….of different circumstances that are not allowing them to
understand the real meaning of the Universe where we live in.
And i see it so damn clear …
But it’s funny … cause when the same things are happening to me … i prove that i am suffering of spiritual … blindness. What i defined as an illusory life … it looks so fucking real … and all the theories i spoke before …. I see them as total nonsenses.
But time passed … and i started to change a little bit. Somehow i began to stop seeing myself the victim of circumstances.
I started to feel more and more .. that all around myself … all what i see … it’s an illusion.
But i was still wondering how the hell … the Infinite Intelligence would allow that the life itself to be … so illusory?!
… to be a … nonsense.
Little by little … somehow … even if i was pretending i was not realising the whole meaning … why all was like that …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
49
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
deep inside myself … i was feeling that someone is whispering me those so well hidden secrets of life.
And i was living a weird balance … between feeling the truth and pretending i was not feeling it. But i was making progresses.
I started to accept all what was going on into my life … as part of a process that meant to make me … at least start … following the path of awakening.
And still … the emotional balance continued … in my soul ….
but also into my real life.
I had some weird feelings, but i was pretending i was not seeing that.
Was looking at all the people around myself … and somehow i started to believe that i finally understand the concept of the illusion of the self.
But … things were still unclear …
At least this is how it looked like … cause on the scene of my real life … all was in total contradiction with what i wrote into my books.
And again … i was pretending i was not seeing that.
I was realizing that the meaning of the illusion was that one
day … we should finally understand the illusion of the self.
To help us … get rid of it!
But …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
50
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Sex …. it’s about remembering us how to
connect to … the present moment
I see around myself so many … disconnected people.
I see them unhappy … and actually living a life that they totally dislike.
Reality itself … just … sucks.
This is how they should define life … if someone would ask them about themselves.
Darpe Diem …. which could be translated as … enjoy the
present moment … it’s a concept that most probably … not so
many people know about.
And still?!
Are those people i see around myself …. zombies?!
People that just breath … and pretend that they live?!
Souls that don’t see anything?!
That live lives …. with no meaning … no positive emotions?!
How can they stand … living in such a way?!
Why connecting to the present moment it’s an impossible fact?!
How can they survive like that?!
Why the hell … life looks so ridiculous … for all those people?! I smile defining such a version of life … cause even if i am pretending i am not living such a life … most probably … i am into the same story.
I like it or not …. reality … and all the other statistical datas
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
51
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
about myself … say that.
But … of course …. I deny it.
I deny the fact that i have this disability of connecting to reality … and whatever the present moment means.
Carpe diem … is for myself … just a theoretical concept and nothing more.
But one day … i suddenly remember about … sex.
And i ask myself …. what meaning it has in our lives … as
humans?!
And i smile again …
I realize that it is one of the only ways in how we connect to
the moment …
So?!
Hmm …
It might explain why so many chase for that … even if it is most probably … just illusory.
Well … it’s actually a way in how …. zombies become alive ….
and …
But once those moments end … reality … sucks … again … and again …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
52
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I am an introvert pretending that is … extrovert.
But also have many moments
when … I’m an extrovert … pretending like being an introvert.
If i would define my personality … i should probably tell you contradictory stories.
My books are actually kind of a diary … with my thoughts, feelings … and emotions.
Which many time looks so damn … different … every day. And i have days … when i really feel like an introvert … which lives in his inner world … but also days when i act on the stage of life as a weird extrovert.
So … defining myself … i somehow realize that it’s so useless to do it … cause i can’t even say for sure if i am introvert or extrovert.
But can say for sure that i am many times .. weird. Balancing being a weird introvert … or a weird extrovert … and i somehow realize that the word … weird … defines me the best.
Or maybe on the stage of the real life … not really knowing how i should really act … i am simple improvising … pretending all the time of being … who i am really not. I forget … that i could simple be … who i really am.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
53
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Connect to my inner self … and give myself the freedom of allowing to be expressed on the stage of life … no matter what that means.
… and probably … stop pretending.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
54
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Waiting for Christmas … but one … dominated by my desires … and nothing
more ….
Without snow … Christmas is not anymore what it used to be.
But still … the concept itself …. It’s amazing.
We might find again … even if just for a short time … the power to believe in magic.
And it’s so nice ….
To find again … that amazing hope … that allows us … getting all we desire.
To believe one more time that desires … could become true.
We remember about … that magic … but today we see
Christmas in a totally different way.
We … changed.
We are … totally different … than we used to be.
Lost that innocence … which we had many years ago … when we were kids.
The new version of Christmas … it’s related with the things we have in mind today.
But speaking with my friends … Brian and Paul … which so many believe that are my imaginary friends … we defined the gifts we want from Santa.
One was chasing for a blonde … one for a brunette… but i could not pretend anymore …. cause i was not focused anymore on the exterior world.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
55
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I had in mind … a certain imaginary lady … but all i wished now ... was to have … a beautiful soul. I had enough … illusions.
And had enough … of believing they were real.
I was still chasing for the perfect case scenario … but probably that could be represented just by an inner beauty. Closing my eyes … i saw it was a lady … and even a very beautiful one … but i could not touch her lips … It was all a dream …
The dream …. My dream … the reflection of my desires … written to Santa.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
56
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Truth be told … even if we pretend so, so much … it’s so obvious we are … so damn false
In my country …. during the winter holiday … groups of
children …. but sometimes even adults … are visiting the
neighborhood …. to wish to the people all the best.
And … one day a group of 25- 30 people came to my house … singing us Christmas songs … pretending they wished me … from their hearts … all the best life can offer to me. I looked at them … and laughed.
I looked at their faces … and realized they just pretend … to get some cash for singing those songs.
I knew all of them … and with no one i could say …. that i
have a good relationship.
So … i was wondering … how the hell they could come to my house and pretend like idiots?! It was ridiculous …
So … my reply was sarcastic.
Paid them 2 dollars …. and in the end …. they could not
believe it … that i was doing that to them.
Well … maybe i was in a time of my life ….when i realized
that pretending it’s useless.
I thought that to be sarcastic … it’s better than being … false. 2 dollars … for all those false … best wishes … was in my perception …. a lot.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
57
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
They left … disappointed … but before they left … i even repeated them 2 times … “Please avoid me next Christmas…. Pleeeaseee!”
Well …. What can i say?!
… at least i succeed not to pretend anymore ….
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
58
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Special connections … between souls. We like each other … but we pretend … it’s not like that … even if it is so damn obvious
Over the years i observed that sometimes ….with some of the
people from the timeline of my life … i really have special connections.
Both men and women.
But … many, many times i avoided showing that i really liked
those connections.
As many … others.
Looking … and analyzing the others …. I also try to
understand myself … but … in one point i simple can’t understand the …. non sense.
Why if 2 people … are having a special connection … why they don’t explore it … in all the ways?!
What if a man and a woman … both married … with someone
else … discover this special connection between them?!
What should they do?!
But what should i do?!
I remember that once i met a lady … that i would marry with … after 15 minutes.
I spent with her 2-3 hours into my office discussing about a project …. pretending that we really talked about that .. even
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
59
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
if in fact … we were enjoying the fact that we’ve met and … But …. never saw her again … after.
Talked few times on the phone after … and never heard of her anymore.
The connection itself made me understand the meaning of a … special connection …
Maybe i knew that person from another life time … or … Today … i came to a point when i chase for … such connections … but unfortunately i am in a point of my life when i have to deal more with … karmic connections.
So … i just dream for that …. even if when life offers me that
opportunity … i always miss the chance of … enjoying that.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
60
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Not connecting.....you choose not to?... or is
there an energy barrier that is creating
the disconnection?
Nolene Sheppard
Today i spoke again with her about Ella.
Sometimes she tells me about her patients … and Ella’s case look a lot with an old story of mine. It looked like Marc and Ella met again.
by accident … but ending one more time … kissing and making love … at the first hotel they found on their way. They did not saw each other …. almost a year … but after 5 minutes of staying together … they decided … to try again … connecting to each other.
Unfortunately … one year … was a long time.
