And we continue wasting our lives … achieving one desire … then another one …. and another one.
Not caring about … any moral aspects at all …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
104
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Connection is …. everything
I was into a coffee shop … close to the city center … enjoying my cappuccino … and i suddenly see Karl.
We used to be close friends … years ago … but both of us being busy … we forgot about each other.
I also knew his wife … but i suddenly realized that a beautiful young lady came to him … and that certainly was not his wife.
I was looking on the window … at them … and could not believe it.
Karl looked … much, much younger … after so many years … and I was still not understanding what was going on.
They really looked like the perfect couple … and they were not pretending at all.
I remember his wife … which was quite a nice lady …. but
even if Karl was near her by so many years … i never saw them having such a connection.
Or i could even say …. maybe … no connection at all.
But near this lady … my old friend … was shining… and was the real proof that love and connection are the only things that are important for a beautiful life. Maybe he was divorced today … or not.
Maybe that young beautiful lady was his mistress …. but they
looked just great together.
I was looking at them on the window … and it was all like i
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
105
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
was looking at a hollywoodian love story movie.
I simple could not believe it.
Such an amazing connection … into a couple.
A couple that did not had to pretend that they are together. They were simple … together … with the soul, the heart … and the mind.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
106
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Truth be told … we somehow chase for our own reflections
I saw her many times at the coffee shop.
She was always drinking tea … and read a book.
She came there 3-4 times a week and it was like she forgot to leave … same as i was doing.
But i never dared to start talking to her.
I knew that my friend Paul … knew her … but i did not asked him to make us the presentations.
I was alone … drinking my coffee … writing my essays … and could not stop myself … look at her … and admire her beauty. So …. one day … i find the courage to go at her table …
salute …. and present myself.
She smiled … but i could take her out from the universe of that book … only for few seconds.
We shook hands … told her few words … and then seeing that there is not so much to speak about … i returned to my table. I kept admiring her … even if i knew it was useless.
I knew i can’t pretend anymore when i see … the absence of connection.
It was obvious….
Somehow she was my own … reflection.
She loved reading … cause she was reading for hours … while drinking her tea … interested maybe about things that i like also … but even if i tried to find the courage to finally talk to
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
107
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
her … nothing happened.
And even worst.
Few days later … Paul comes … and laughing of me said … “That lady that you admire so much … while you write your nonsense essays … just told me that the way you touched her hands while presenting yourself … had too much sexual connotations … and she did not liked that at all.”
“Hmm! Did she really said that …. or you are making fun
again?!” … i replied.
Paul … just smiled.
I could not believe it.
I tried so much … maybe for months … to find this courage to talk to her …. chasing for a person that looked so, so much with me … and i failed.
… but maybe failing is part of life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
108
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
We are not so different as we might believe … but living different scenarios … being dominated of contradictory emotions
we just react in different ways on the scene of life.
According to the shakespearian theory… life itself it’s a play … and we are the actors that are living different roles in that play.
And indeed … looking around myself …. I see so, so many
stories.
different stories.
some of them so … contradictory.
Also realized … by a long, long time that the same person … or maybe i should say … the same actor … is living different scenarios … many times even contradictory …
What you see as difference between all those people around yourselves … or even between you from today … and the you from few days ago … it’s actually a lot related with situations, circumstances …. and events which are influencing us so
damn much … that in the end we see everybody … including us … believing that the …. play itself … is real.
Life … our own lives … could be defined in the end as … a large spectrum of different … and even contradictory stories … which makes us look … so … so different.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
109
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
But … we are not.
One little human starts kindergarten … his brother maybe the first grade of school … and maybe his mother a new job. We see lots of emotions … into the same family.
Different stories … but one play.
The one that defines … that family.
Few years later … the little kid we speak about …. starts his
first grade of school … his brother … the secondary school … and … mother decides to resign from her job and dedicate herself more to the arts.
She always dreamed to paint … and create great artistic works.
The business of his husband runs very well now and … probably they can afford to live quite ok … without as her to need … go to the job.
The scenario … changes one more time.
They change again.
They look different.
The little kid likes his new colleagues and the teacher … his brother readapted quite well at the secondary school … mother became more relaxed and is happy cause she spend lots of time painting .. and husband loves the fact that he is a successful businessman today.
We might even believe in one point …. seeing so, so many
changes over the passing of time … that they sometimes pretend on the scene of their lives … acting so many contradictory roles.
And we all look different … but maybe we are not.
The play continues … and we continue being actors on the stage of our own lives.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
110
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
But my philosophical question is … are we pretending like the actors?!
Or …. we really believe that the scene is real?!
I personally … asked this question … regarding myself … but still don’t have an answer.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
111
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I analyze and define myself … in real time … but seeing how silly i act on the scene of life … i simple smile.
When i wrote the book “Analyze. Define. Redefine” … it was all related with my non ending self therapy. I started to analyze all around myself.
I was everyday meditating …. defining all what was going on
but i was amazed how stupid i was. And it took such a long time to say it.
But … the stupidity itself was not … mentally … but … more spiritual.
The moment when i did my best to stop lying to myself … i somehow … finally … concluded that i am … unfortunately … into the illusion of the self.
So deep … that … most probably … i had no chance to … get out of that prison … of the self.
One day … while sitting with a guy … which who i made lots of money … seeing that he needs to be helped with an internet payment of 5 dollars … i saw myself thinking for 2-3 minutes …. If i should do it or not.
A very simple fact … very relevant for my analysis and i could not believe it … that i was acting so … so … stupid.
The whole concept from my book about analyzing and defining … was that in the end to conclude … and also decide …. that it’s time to change all we see … it’s not ok with us.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
112
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
But … yes … theory it’s so damn simple.
It the real life … on the scene of any of circumstance or event …. I was not acting into the proper way.
Or …. If i ever tried any kind of change … it was all a way of
pretending i was doing it.
I was so much … in the illusion of the self … that even if i came to a point … when i was analyzing and defining myself …. in real time … it was still … useless.
In the night … before going to sleep … closing my eyes … and meditating again …. I was simple smiling … realizing that i wasted one more day …
Days were passing …
Then weeks …
Then … months ….
Then … years …
And i was still not decided to make any kind of change … I was just … pretending ….
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
113
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
No matter how much we should pretend …
history is history … and the present moment might be something totally different
Truth be told … time has a tremendous impact on us. All those experiences of life … make us feel all sorts of emotions … and our souls …. that are balancing between
happiness and unhappiness … get lost … spiritually speaking.
We can’t realize anymore … who we really are.
But the inner self from today … has sometimes nothing to do
not even with the one from yesterday. Experiences become … history.
And of course … the power of the past … exists and somehow still influences us from time to time.
But …
In one point … the past totally disconnect from the present moment.
The influences of the past moments … no matter of their meaning from that time to us … becomes more … fade.
And we realize that a great love story from years ago …. has almost no more impact into the present moment.
A hobby … which we loved a lot … it’s irrelevant today. Somehow the past and the present moment … became … disconnected.
The past experiences … are just history.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
114
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
And … in many, many cases … history … and nothing more. No matter … how much we should want … and even pretend
all those efforts become probably … useless. On the timeline of our lives … we change.
We become … different beings.
And any memory … beautiful or ugly … is metamorphosed into something irrelevant.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
115
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
To me looked like an abstract painting … but all around me were saying that there was nothing abstract into that.
…. and i could not understand why
I looked at an amazing painting … showing a couple … making love.
And they looked having such a … great connection.
I showed it to my friend Paul … defining to him the painting itself … as abstract …. but he started to laugh of me … all
looking to him like i had no idea of what an abstract painting looks like.
And analyzing his opinion … i somehow realized that it’s even worst …
It was not only that it was unclear to me what abstract meant … but … even the connection of that couple looked to me unclear.
When i used the term … abstract … i think it was more because … i could not understand what a real connection between a feminine and a masculine soul … was. But you see …
I knew the meaning of the term … abstract.
I knew what … connection … meant.
And i was not pretending that i don’t know about those things …. which i actually lived into my past.
I was indeed … a weird guy … looking at this painting …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
116
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
representing the couple … making love …. and it was all
looking to me … like i was talking about ghosts or … life after death.
Maybe my own life … was … too abstract … and i totally forgot about the paths that goes at the connection from … a love story.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
117
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Going to …. Nowhere … pretending i was
following to a certain destination.
…. It was all … kind of a hobby.
I was driving.
And i was driving … very fast.
But … i suddenly realized that i was going to … nowhere.
Like in many, many other occasions.
I continued driving.
I was somehow … pretending … that i was having a certain direction.
And … always in a hurry.
Was doing it … on and on and on.
… everyday.
By such … a long, long time.
Trying to understand … why the hell … i was doing it ….
analyzing and defining … all what was going on … i asked myself … “why?!”
It was indeed … kind of a hobby … repeated so often.
Nowhere … was … my favorite destination.
I am certainly … a weird human being!
No matter how much i should try … i still can’t understand myself.
The truth was that i had …. no direction!
And not even wanted to have one.
I was just … in a non ending hurry …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
118
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
But … my life continued … as a nonsense.
I continued … pretending that …
i have a purpose.
a certain direction.
a certain meaning.
The real truth was that i was … lost … by such a long, long time.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
119
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
We are not eternal … but we delay so much everything … believing our time in here is … unlimited.
Many times in life …. we attract … people and circumstances
… related a lot with our souls.
And this is probably …. while i am writing a book … i receive
from everywhere … in different forms … lots of materials related with the subject.
When i started this book about “Pretending … a way of wasting our lives” … a guy from Minneapolis, USA …. which
was involved in lots of social activities … sent me some whatsapp screen shots with a conversation between him and a beautiful lady … which he liked a lot.
The problem itself … was that they both were married … and his important role played in those social activities … was not allowing him to reveal his real feelings.
But … while meeting their eyes … the truth was revealed ….
