Paula was a profile that was inspiring me a lot into my writings … but i could still not understand why the hell she was continuing to pretend so, so much. Maybe she was so naive …
Or i was so damn idiot … that … i was not understanding the meaning of using those masks that help us pretend … on the scene of life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
75
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
pretend we are happy. I hated that.
I hated her for doing that … but she was still my friend. Today i believe that instead of pretending we are happy together … we could better try to pretend that we don’t really know what happiness is … and simple ignore talking about it
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
76
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I was searching for something that i was pretending i did not knew that in fact … does not exists
Marc …. is a dear friend … from my little town.
Today he lives in Paris … and he loves the fact that the city itself gives him so, so many chances to see new and new ladies.
Hearing that i am finally ready to publish my new book about self therapy … he asks me to explain him in few words what it is about.
I simple smile and reply …. “As usual i just publish my
contradictory … nonsense thoughts.
There is probably just one simple idea … that we should meditate more on the whole meaning of our actions, feelings, thoughts and all related to what we use to name … our lives.” Suddenly … Marc started to laugh.
“My friend … please tell me …. how the hell could i find the
meaning of my search for so … so many ladies.
It’s like desiring to touch the horizontal line.
I feel that i search for a lady … that in fact … does not exists. Every new week i meet 3-4 new souls … and all is useless … cause i can’t feel the connection that i am chasing for.
But i close my eyes … and i visualize her so, so clear … Most probably i could define my story of chasing for the perfect lady …. like seeing a statue …. which could be a
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
77
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
sculpture with the perfect body a woman could have … and i admire her beauty … but in the end i realize she is not real … cause has no life.
And i still continue searching … On and on and on …”
My dear friend was probably pretending that what he was looking for … does not really exists … cause the perfect human being is just an illusory concept that only artists tried to express into their artworks … but ….
Marc was continuing his search … exploring more and more souls.
And beautiful Paris gave him an amazing opportunity to meet
something that he will probably never find. The illusion …
But … we just adore illusions …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
78
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Maybe some people really love each other … even if it’s so difficult to
believe that real love .. exists
I see so many unhappy couples around myself that when i see people looking happy together … i use to say right away … “i’m sure that they just pretend”.
It’s even a little bit illogical what i am doing … especially cause i wrote 10 books of love essays … few years ago. Today i’ve read in the newspapers about the death at the war
of the ukrainian movie director Viktor Onisko … and reading also the words of his wife … i was a little bit shocked
“My hero. My love. I don’t know how i would be able to live from now on without you.”
I suddenly realize that my ideas about the illusion of love are
redefined in a second.
But i can’t stop myself ask an ironic question to everyone that is into any kind of relationship … “What would say your partner if today you would suddenly die?!”
Will the remarks be similar with the one of the widow from Ukraine … that i was just talking about?!
How would you define such an unhappy scene if the scenario of your life would be similar?!
I am talking as usual a lot … but i hear a voice telling me … “Many times in life … we … the ordinary people … regret … and tell all those beautiful words about the relationship we
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
79
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
have … just when it’s too late.” … and maybe the voice is right.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
80
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Influences are so damn real
but what if we pretend they simple don’t exist?!
At least till we make
some … researches
I was in Skopje, North Macedonia.
In a restaurant, right in the city center … intending to go and visit Prishtina, the capital of Kosovo … which was just 75 km aways i ask the waiter … “Is it safe to go there?! I heard on the news lots of things about the conflict they have with serbians.”
The waiter … that was smiling … suddenly changed his face … replying … “Sir! If i should be in your place .. with wife and 2 kids near myself … i would not do it. It is a very dangerous country.
The albanian mafia is controlling everything there.
They come and steal cars from North Macedonia or other countries around and then they sell them at Prishtina. While you will drive … you will see lands of marihuana all over the place.
They even sell guns on the streets.”
I look at my wife and … smile … saying .. “Thank you!” to the waiter … then leaving the place.
We jumped into the car … passed the border … and we
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
81
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
suddenly received an sms from our government … saying to be aware while traveling in Kosovo.
I smiled again and … continued the road.
And guess what?!
I arrived in Prishtina and … lots of people on the streets.
The weather was amazing.
It was the first day of the year … and the sun was shining into an amazing way.
People were enjoying their coffees at the coffee shops from the city center … and all looked relaxed and i could say … even … happy.
I was walking on the streets from the Prishtina …. and even if
i was looking all around for the albanese mafia that were supposed to sell drugs and guns … i could find only ambulant sellers of … books.
1, 2, 3 …. 11 … hahaha
I counted all those guys selling books and i could not believe it.
Reality was a little bit different than what the waiter from Skopje told me about.
And no conflict at all … as i saw on tv …
But it’s not that i was not listening the guy … or what people were saying on the news …
I listened to everything people said to me … but i said to
myself …”Let’s pretend i am not hearing anything at all … and
try to see with my own eyes.”
So … one more time i was right.
People were over reacting … cause instead of finding drug and guns dealers on the streets of Prishtina …. i could see
with my eyes just those old innocent guys … selling … books.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
82
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
Unfortunately … we believe too easy what others use to tell us.
We take everything for granted …. instead of trying to have
our own opinions over reality.
And we end up living lives … dominated … by other’s people fears.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
83
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Karma is so damn .. abstract
It says that life it’s a mirror … but i look in the mirror and i see that my left hand looks like my right hand. My right eye looks like the left eye.
The writing from my shirt can’t be read … cause i see the letters reversed.
Then i ask myself … what the hell is this theory with the mirror about??
Suddenly i hear my phone.
It was Peter.
… again.
He was calling me to ask me questions about karma ….
feeling himself trapped into a karmic prison of circumstances. And not even saying … hello …. I hear him saying … “Let’s suppose a man dies.
His wife remains widow …. but being close to 30 … let’s say
that latest in few years she can find a new man … and actually start a new life again. But the kid?!
What the kid done wrong to deserve live without a father?!
Why the Universe is so unfair in such cases?!
And there are so, so many similar cases like that into the world … that i could define as karmic unfair examples. So?!
Can you explain me the nonsense of karma in such
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
84
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
situations?!”
I smile … and i did that … cause i knew that Peter was somehow pretending that what he was living … was an example of what unfair karma scenario. Nothing made sense … at all.
“Peter … my friend!
The example you just gave might be a real case …. that could
happen anywhere around the world.
But … karma it’s a little bit abstract.
Is not forgetting anything.
And it also says that is not forgiving anything at all.
What we don’t consider today is that we relate everything to things that we’ve done recently.
We actually totally ignore our actions from the past … or even a past life.
You might be today a very polite person … and it makes no sense at all why the hell people are impolite to you … but maybe 10 years ago you did not act properly with the people around you.
The reply is so late … that you can’t even remember that 10 years ago you were totally different … and probably you deserve such a lesson.
Coming back to the little child … that we might be so sorry for him ... cause he will be raised without a father …. maybe … it makes sense.
Probably in a previous life he killed someone that had small kids … which had to survive just with their mother.
Instead of being killed … like he did to that guy in another life time … he is actually forced to live a life … since he is just a little baby … without his father.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
85
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
So … some of the scenarios we might recognize… but some … which makes total nonsense are probably related with a past that we totally forgot about.
This might also be an explanation for all what is going on into
your life.
But …
Maybe … you should meditate more!” Peter … did not liked what i’ve said to him.
He was indeed somehow … pretending … that it’s totally illogical what is going on for him.
Well … like all of us … was finding difficult to accept situations of life …
Karma it’s weird …. abstract … and looks indeed like a
nonsense … but maybe at the right time … after learning the life lessons we need to learn … we probably change our perceptions …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
86
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Yes … poison is so
fucking … tasty
Look at someone that smoke … and analyze that pleasure. Look at someone that drink alcohol … and you will realize that all those people … enjoy that. … and even a lot.
And if we should speak with people that take drugs … we will probably see a similar story with them.
All … know what an addiction is … what the implications of their addictions are … but …
They simple pretend that … they don’t know the real truth regarding … the implications….
And if they could be honest enough … they should probably declare that … poisson is ... tasty. But the list of addictions is … huge.
It really has lot of representations.
I see so many people … around myself … having addictions … that i just … laugh in front of that.
I write about them … but suddenly i realize that i should probably write about myself.
I should stop pretending … that i am … different.
… that i don’t have addictions.
And even worst … that i don’t love my own addictions.
It’s s so damn easy to see the smoker that kills himself.
… or the alcoholic that is shorten his life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
87
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
Or … the persons smoking marihuana … pretending they do it for therapeutic purposes.
And i have my own explanations … also … for my own life. I try to pretend that i don’t have addictions … or if i really had any … i got rid of them.
But when i close my eyes …. remembering about those
behaviors … having a short moment of honesty … i remember how much i loved those things.
And not pretending anymore …. I could even say that … i
loved all my addictions.
For a short time … they made me feel good.
That poisson was so damn … tasty.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
88
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Toxic people are all around.
We could simple pretend
we don’t see their dark side …
It happens i know lots of toxic people.
Or to be more precise … people which i define as toxic. In fact my definition is longer … cause i use to call them crazy, stupids, idiots etc etc.
Then after finishing my speech …. from my mind … i suddenly
remember about the theory that life itself it’s a mirror … so … I play around defining everything … around myself.
in fact … analyzing and defining so much … writing all my thoughts about what i see … while being here … into this world … i somehow realize that i am actually defining myself. So … i stop saying … anything.
I realize that i see the toxicity…. or to be more precise …. that toxic side …. that it’s so related with myself.
I see a dark side … that defines me also …. but i still pretend it’s no connection at all between that and my own self.
It’s a little bit ridiculous … this way of mine …. of pretending
but the fact that i disliked all what was going on … is metamorphosed into … compassion …
“I dislike” … becomes …. “It’s ok! At the right time the shift will appear!” … or ….”I acted into a similar way many times … but after realizing what i have done … i stoped … so …” Today … i simple … smile …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
89
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
I know it’s a abstract message that is whispering me … just to realize that i don’t keep the right inner balance …. between my beautiful and my dark side …
I start to accept the theory … that life it’s a mirror … but somehow … even in front of myself …. i pretend i don’t know anything at all about it …
Seeing … and dealing with toxic people becomes more … a
message about me.
And …
I ignore that side …
But also have moments when i embrace it … as a normal episode from my life.
Or i was so damn idiot … that … i was not understanding the meaning of using those masks that help us pretend … on the scene of life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
75
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
pretend we are happy. I hated that.
I hated her for doing that … but she was still my friend. Today i believe that instead of pretending we are happy together … we could better try to pretend that we don’t really know what happiness is … and simple ignore talking about it
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
76
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
I was searching for something that i was pretending i did not knew that in fact … does not exists
Marc …. is a dear friend … from my little town.
Today he lives in Paris … and he loves the fact that the city itself gives him so, so many chances to see new and new ladies.
Hearing that i am finally ready to publish my new book about self therapy … he asks me to explain him in few words what it is about.
I simple smile and reply …. “As usual i just publish my
contradictory … nonsense thoughts.
There is probably just one simple idea … that we should meditate more on the whole meaning of our actions, feelings, thoughts and all related to what we use to name … our lives.” Suddenly … Marc started to laugh.
“My friend … please tell me …. how the hell could i find the
meaning of my search for so … so many ladies.
It’s like desiring to touch the horizontal line.
I feel that i search for a lady … that in fact … does not exists. Every new week i meet 3-4 new souls … and all is useless … cause i can’t feel the connection that i am chasing for.
But i close my eyes … and i visualize her so, so clear … Most probably i could define my story of chasing for the perfect lady …. like seeing a statue …. which could be a
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
77
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
sculpture with the perfect body a woman could have … and i admire her beauty … but in the end i realize she is not real … cause has no life.
And i still continue searching … On and on and on …”
My dear friend was probably pretending that what he was looking for … does not really exists … cause the perfect human being is just an illusory concept that only artists tried to express into their artworks … but ….
Marc was continuing his search … exploring more and more souls.
And beautiful Paris gave him an amazing opportunity to meet
something that he will probably never find. The illusion …
But … we just adore illusions …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
78
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Maybe some people really love each other … even if it’s so difficult to
believe that real love .. exists
I see so many unhappy couples around myself that when i see people looking happy together … i use to say right away … “i’m sure that they just pretend”.
It’s even a little bit illogical what i am doing … especially cause i wrote 10 books of love essays … few years ago. Today i’ve read in the newspapers about the death at the war
of the ukrainian movie director Viktor Onisko … and reading also the words of his wife … i was a little bit shocked
“My hero. My love. I don’t know how i would be able to live from now on without you.”
I suddenly realize that my ideas about the illusion of love are
redefined in a second.
But i can’t stop myself ask an ironic question to everyone that is into any kind of relationship … “What would say your partner if today you would suddenly die?!”
Will the remarks be similar with the one of the widow from Ukraine … that i was just talking about?!
How would you define such an unhappy scene if the scenario of your life would be similar?!
I am talking as usual a lot … but i hear a voice telling me … “Many times in life … we … the ordinary people … regret … and tell all those beautiful words about the relationship we
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
79
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
have … just when it’s too late.” … and maybe the voice is right.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
80
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Influences are so damn real
but what if we pretend they simple don’t exist?!
At least till we make
some … researches
I was in Skopje, North Macedonia.
In a restaurant, right in the city center … intending to go and visit Prishtina, the capital of Kosovo … which was just 75 km aways i ask the waiter … “Is it safe to go there?! I heard on the news lots of things about the conflict they have with serbians.”
The waiter … that was smiling … suddenly changed his face … replying … “Sir! If i should be in your place .. with wife and 2 kids near myself … i would not do it. It is a very dangerous country.
The albanian mafia is controlling everything there.
They come and steal cars from North Macedonia or other countries around and then they sell them at Prishtina. While you will drive … you will see lands of marihuana all over the place.
They even sell guns on the streets.”
I look at my wife and … smile … saying .. “Thank you!” to the waiter … then leaving the place.
We jumped into the car … passed the border … and we
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
81
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
suddenly received an sms from our government … saying to be aware while traveling in Kosovo.
I smiled again and … continued the road.
And guess what?!
I arrived in Prishtina and … lots of people on the streets.
The weather was amazing.
It was the first day of the year … and the sun was shining into an amazing way.
People were enjoying their coffees at the coffee shops from the city center … and all looked relaxed and i could say … even … happy.
I was walking on the streets from the Prishtina …. and even if
i was looking all around for the albanese mafia that were supposed to sell drugs and guns … i could find only ambulant sellers of … books.
1, 2, 3 …. 11 … hahaha
I counted all those guys selling books and i could not believe it.
Reality was a little bit different than what the waiter from Skopje told me about.
And no conflict at all … as i saw on tv …
But it’s not that i was not listening the guy … or what people were saying on the news …
I listened to everything people said to me … but i said to
myself …”Let’s pretend i am not hearing anything at all … and
try to see with my own eyes.”
So … one more time i was right.
People were over reacting … cause instead of finding drug and guns dealers on the streets of Prishtina …. i could see
with my eyes just those old innocent guys … selling … books.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
82
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
Unfortunately … we believe too easy what others use to tell us.
We take everything for granted …. instead of trying to have
our own opinions over reality.
And we end up living lives … dominated … by other’s people fears.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
83
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Karma is so damn .. abstract
It says that life it’s a mirror … but i look in the mirror and i see that my left hand looks like my right hand. My right eye looks like the left eye.
The writing from my shirt can’t be read … cause i see the letters reversed.
Then i ask myself … what the hell is this theory with the mirror about??
Suddenly i hear my phone.
It was Peter.
… again.
He was calling me to ask me questions about karma ….
feeling himself trapped into a karmic prison of circumstances. And not even saying … hello …. I hear him saying … “Let’s suppose a man dies.
His wife remains widow …. but being close to 30 … let’s say
that latest in few years she can find a new man … and actually start a new life again. But the kid?!
What the kid done wrong to deserve live without a father?!
Why the Universe is so unfair in such cases?!
And there are so, so many similar cases like that into the world … that i could define as karmic unfair examples. So?!
Can you explain me the nonsense of karma in such
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
84
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
situations?!”
I smile … and i did that … cause i knew that Peter was somehow pretending that what he was living … was an example of what unfair karma scenario. Nothing made sense … at all.
“Peter … my friend!
The example you just gave might be a real case …. that could
happen anywhere around the world.
But … karma it’s a little bit abstract.
Is not forgetting anything.
And it also says that is not forgiving anything at all.
What we don’t consider today is that we relate everything to things that we’ve done recently.
We actually totally ignore our actions from the past … or even a past life.
You might be today a very polite person … and it makes no sense at all why the hell people are impolite to you … but maybe 10 years ago you did not act properly with the people around you.
The reply is so late … that you can’t even remember that 10 years ago you were totally different … and probably you deserve such a lesson.
Coming back to the little child … that we might be so sorry for him ... cause he will be raised without a father …. maybe … it makes sense.
Probably in a previous life he killed someone that had small kids … which had to survive just with their mother.
Instead of being killed … like he did to that guy in another life time … he is actually forced to live a life … since he is just a little baby … without his father.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
85
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
So … some of the scenarios we might recognize… but some … which makes total nonsense are probably related with a past that we totally forgot about.
This might also be an explanation for all what is going on into
your life.
But …
Maybe … you should meditate more!” Peter … did not liked what i’ve said to him.
He was indeed somehow … pretending … that it’s totally illogical what is going on for him.
Well … like all of us … was finding difficult to accept situations of life …
Karma it’s weird …. abstract … and looks indeed like a
nonsense … but maybe at the right time … after learning the life lessons we need to learn … we probably change our perceptions …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
86
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Yes … poison is so
fucking … tasty
Look at someone that smoke … and analyze that pleasure. Look at someone that drink alcohol … and you will realize that all those people … enjoy that. … and even a lot.
And if we should speak with people that take drugs … we will probably see a similar story with them.
All … know what an addiction is … what the implications of their addictions are … but …
They simple pretend that … they don’t know the real truth regarding … the implications….
And if they could be honest enough … they should probably declare that … poisson is ... tasty. But the list of addictions is … huge.
It really has lot of representations.
I see so many people … around myself … having addictions … that i just … laugh in front of that.
I write about them … but suddenly i realize that i should probably write about myself.
I should stop pretending … that i am … different.
… that i don’t have addictions.
And even worst … that i don’t love my own addictions.
It’s s so damn easy to see the smoker that kills himself.
… or the alcoholic that is shorten his life.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
87
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
Or … the persons smoking marihuana … pretending they do it for therapeutic purposes.
And i have my own explanations … also … for my own life. I try to pretend that i don’t have addictions … or if i really had any … i got rid of them.
But when i close my eyes …. remembering about those
behaviors … having a short moment of honesty … i remember how much i loved those things.
And not pretending anymore …. I could even say that … i
loved all my addictions.
For a short time … they made me feel good.
That poisson was so damn … tasty.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
88
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES
philosophical essays
Toxic people are all around.
We could simple pretend
we don’t see their dark side …
It happens i know lots of toxic people.
Or to be more precise … people which i define as toxic. In fact my definition is longer … cause i use to call them crazy, stupids, idiots etc etc.
Then after finishing my speech …. from my mind … i suddenly
remember about the theory that life itself it’s a mirror … so … I play around defining everything … around myself.
in fact … analyzing and defining so much … writing all my thoughts about what i see … while being here … into this world … i somehow realize that i am actually defining myself. So … i stop saying … anything.
I realize that i see the toxicity…. or to be more precise …. that toxic side …. that it’s so related with myself.
I see a dark side … that defines me also …. but i still pretend it’s no connection at all between that and my own self.
It’s a little bit ridiculous … this way of mine …. of pretending
but the fact that i disliked all what was going on … is metamorphosed into … compassion …
“I dislike” … becomes …. “It’s ok! At the right time the shift will appear!” … or ….”I acted into a similar way many times … but after realizing what i have done … i stoped … so …” Today … i simple … smile …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
89
PRETENDING … A WAY OF WASTING OUR LIVES philosophical essays
I know it’s a abstract message that is whispering me … just to realize that i don’t keep the right inner balance …. between my beautiful and my dark side …
I start to accept the theory … that life it’s a mirror … but somehow … even in front of myself …. i pretend i don’t know anything at all about it …
Seeing … and dealing with toxic people becomes more … a
message about me.
And …
I ignore that side …
But also have moments when i embrace it … as a normal episode from my life.
