Visiting my friend … the therapist … Ella gave her all the details …. asking one more time for guidance … and why the hell connection failed?!
They broke up so, so many times … but always …. when they met again … reconnecting was … piece of cake.
Making love … was an amazing way of feeling the connection again … and again … and again .
But … damn it …
This time she did not felt the connection anymore. My friend … the therapist smiled .. asking her … “Not connecting.....you choose not to?... or is there an energy
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barrier that is creating the disconnection?”
I suddenly realized she is not just a therapist … or a coach … but also a person that understands into such a deep way … the spiritual side of life … of the connection between the souls.
… especially of soulmates.
Telling me the story … i remembered about my past.
I believe that i probably lived both scenarios … refused to connect …. but also had times when i understood that the story is over … and a barrier was stopping the connection.
Today i am more opened to the future.
Don’t want anymore to remain the prisoner of my past … no matter how … glorious … it was.
And can’t pretend Ella’s case … did not reminded me of my past … but i promised myself that i’ll be much opened for my future experiences.
I call my friend … the therapist … and ask her “… are u a therapist … or a spiritual guru?!
You know too much about the connections between souls … but many times … you pretend you don’t.” Then … we started … to laugh …
But .. still … i could not stop her question .. to be repeated into my mind … on and on and on.
It was so … damn …. powerful…
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All relationships in which we do not feel peace and love are karmic relationships
Amon
I used for many of my books … the word “illusion” … in the title … or subtitle.
And if you would read them … you will probably realize that i have an addiction to the subject.
In the beginning … realizing that all around myself it’s an illusion …. It all became such a depressive thought … but
later on i understood that there is an important meaning for living that experience.
So … after writing 10 books of love essays …. the last thing i
wrote before writing such things related with love … was …
“Awakening can be obtained at the end of a love story.”
All what i was writing was about my own experiences … but
unfortunately… it was nothing related with love or inner
peace.
The end … reveled me the illusion … but i was happy that the blindness disappeared.
Also understood that all i was living … was just an illusion … having the meaning to reveal me that i need to get rid of the illusion of my self.
I had to accept and embrace all it was karmic into my life … otherwise my life would become a non ending karmic story.
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…. and a total nonsense.
Without the blindness in my spiritual eyes …. I could actually
understand better all those annoying relationships … which i had.
And i started to laugh … the next moment when i saw that what i had defined as marriage … or even love story … was just an annoying karmic story.
An experience … that had nothing to do with love … or peace.
Hmm … yes … it was … so annoying.
… all what was going on.
And still … it was a little bit ridiculous… cause even if i knew that all i was living … was an illusory karmic experience… i could not even pretend … that i accept it. I realized the whole truth.
i understood the importance of all that …. but i could not jump at the next level of wisdom.
That was probably … to embrace with love … all what was going on … feel the message which the Universe was whispering me … and close karmic experiences.
Of course … with love … and peace…
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Wearing emotional masks of different types … could be a hobby … but even a must
Imagine you would have at home … an wardrobe of emotional masks … and it could actually be a choise to decide what mask you’d like to wear into that day.
The wardrobe would probably have hundreds of masks which you had been wearing over the years …. but also many which you ignored.
emotions that you could not live, because … you were afraid of them.
You suddenly realize it was all a decision …. behind all that. And like any wardrobe … has inside ugly …but also amazing things.
The only thing is that … even if we know all those informations … still we don’t do anything to choose … the right … masks.
Time is passing …
Yesterday we’ve been unhappy … today happy … and tomorrow … even if we know it’s all a decision …. we pretend we don’t know about the wardrobe with emotional masks. We could decide … to wear the right mask.
But we don’t do it.
We could try it … everyday … as a hobby. I would even dare to say … as a must.
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And we could say … enough of wearing that ugly mask …
Let’s try the smile face ….
But …
We know about the trick …. about that “wardrobe” …. and
still we don’t try it.
Not even as a … hobby.
And not even as a … must.
Time is passing again … and again.
We gain life experience … and we know all we have to do or not to do … but … continue to act silly ….
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That profound sadness was about the disability of not being able to pretend anymore on the scene of life
The meaning of my books is probably just to make the people understand that analyzing our lives, defining what is wrong … we could go into the position of somehow being able to redefine all … and create a new … life for ourselves …. a better one.
Today i see sadness all around ourselves.
In many, many forms.
Sometimes …. camouflaged even behind a … big smile.
But of course many times … so obvious …
And i see that at John … at Carl …. at Maria … and many,
many others.
I see it everyday … by so, so many years.
And many of them have good days also … but many times … i see that … profound sadness i am talking about.
What i defined as self therapy could actually help a lot … to understand all what is going on with us.
I continue looking at the people around myself … but not even for a second … i could not understand … why the hell i also have this sadness.
It’s almost a …. total nonsense … but …
Analyzing more … connecting to my inner self … i somehow realize i’ve become prisoner of a reality …. which i dislike.
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I simple can’t pretend anymore … that it’s ok that i am … on this scene of life.
And a logical question that comes next is … why the hell … we don’t do anything about changing this reality?! Why … i … we … feel as prisoners?!
Prisoners of … what?!
…. Of who?!
I meditate more ….
… and more.
And suddenly understand that i live kind of a hybrid dharmic-karmic scenario … and i simple don’t agree i have to do that. I had enough ….
And those people around myself … which carry that unhappy masks also … are most probably into similar scenarios like me.
The nonsense starts to make … sense.
But … still … that profound unhappiness remains there. More and more … obvious … cause we simple can’t pretend anymore.
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Doing our dharmic roles …. It’s so damn
difficult to pretend we like it …. and
continue life ….
I was in the bus … close to the city center.
Last time when i was in the bus …. was almost 25 years ago.
Something broke to my car and instead of ordering a taxi … i decided to jump into the bus.
Was Monday morning … and the second i put my feet into the bus …. I felt i was entering into an unhappy Universe.
One young boy was going to school … and he look so, so unhappy.
A young lady … left the bus in front of the University … and she did not had any good vibe either.
Another guy … at about 30-35 … looked to me … even depressed.
He was dressed like a worker from construction …. and had
such an unhappy face … that i almost started to laugh of him.
Another old lady … was looking on the window how it was raining … and she was not happy either.
She was retired … but maybe she was going to her grand kids to look after her.
I was indeed in the bus of …. unhappiness.
It was already 3 years since i stopped working … so for me … it was no such a big difference between Sunday and Monday.
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But for all those people around me it was so, so annoying … starting the new week and doing what they had to do. They all were doing what they had to do … but it looked like it was so … difficult.
In my vision dharmic is related with other mission for this life … but also anything connected to the subject.
Taking care of a child … involved of course money …. and a
job … and lots of duties and responsibilities.
And for getting a better job … much better paid … that could offer to the child a better life … we … as individuals … need to go to school … then high school … then university etc etc.
And we have to follow some dogmatic paths … which we dislike … a lot.
I was looking into the bus … at all the faces of the people around myself … and all of them totally disliked it’s Monday again.
I really could no see … any individual which could at least … pretend … it’s ok.
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Life should be as a vacation
but we can’t find the tricks to follow such … a path
Imagine we could pretend we are in a non ending vacation … and all we do everyday it’s for relaxing and having fun.
How could it be if we could be able to pretend so well that we love our jobs, all the people from the scene of our lives, our marriages …. and everything defines our stories.
I read about affirmations techniques … and i smile …. cause
it’s all about … pretending.
And they tell us that we should … fake it … till we make it.
I try to analyze more … and … i start … laughing.
The whole theory with affirmations … is 100% about … pretending.
Well … it might work.
It might also …. not work.
Should we try it?!
Do we have anything to lose if we try to pretend that we like our lives?!
Could we act as we see life in vacation?!
Why those ideas .. and all those theories can’t be applied or
are too difficult to be applied for the lives of ordinary people?!
Why the theoretical concepts have nothing to do with the ordinary life?!
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Maybe … we don’t know to implement them … or we can’t find the tricks of pretending as in the end to really believe that life is … a vacation.
And the term vacation … has for me the connotation of a period of time … shorter or longer … when we feel relaxed … and living our lives its a real pleasure.
Mixing the concepts … the one of vacation, but also the one of the real life … even partially … looks almost impossible. And chances are indeed close to zero.
Theory is … theory … and has nothing to do with the real life
no matter how much we try it. Not even … motivation works. But you know why?!
I somehow started to believe that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy our lives.
We suffer of a weird type of stupidity that made us believe that life can’t be enjoyed just for a short period of time …. and not so often.
And we continue like that …
We can’t even pretend … that we try to pretend.
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We see so, so many couples pretending they are … together
I was in the a beautiful coffee shop.
Close to me a guy was drinking his coffee alone … same as i was doing.
We were certainly there to enjoy the place … so that we could … meditate.
I somehow believe today that the coffee shop has the values of a church from 100 years ago.
It allows us to … believe for a while that time is stopping … and we can connect to other things that makes us to forget for a short time the scene of what we defined as … real life. But suddenly a lady appears.
Sits on his table … orders a coffee for herself also … changes few words … and then … silence again.
They were a couple …. but it looked to me that they were
more pretending that they were together.
They could simple not connect one with another even if the place was …. amazing.
She was a nice lady …. and he looked like a nice guy … but
still … it was useless … cause even if they were having a relationship … they could not connect.
It was all … a fake connection … but ….
They stayed on the same table … living in 2 different worlds. So …. pretending they were together … trying to spend
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moments one near another … but still … the connection itself … failed.
An amazing coffee shop … looking like the perfect scene … for enjoying the coffee and the moments of being together … but in the end i could probably define all … a nonsense. In fact … a total nonsense.
Connection is indeed everything … but … probably … just with the right person …
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They looked so good together … but they both carried some fake masks
I looked at them on social media.
She posted a lot lately.
You could believe that they are happy together … but i knew her pretty well.
Her smile … was so … so fake.
She was pretending … again.
A new vacation … a new story about pretending … but i could not understand why the hell she was doing that. But … I certainly analyze too much.
Maybe i like gossiping and realizing that’s a bad habit … i started to write books … writing my perceptions … which in fact were not about analyzing and defining the world … but about gossip and nothing else.
And i continue doing that on and on and on.
Instead of analyzing my inner world … or my own life … i was looking at the others writing about them …
