Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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They use to like me.
But today … they just
pretend they like me.
You see …. I somehow allow people to connect to myself.
I use to be friendly with everyone from the scene of my own life … believing that i can actually be friend with everyone. So … many of the new relationships that i have … started well … and all was ok … at least for a while.
But later … i realize things became different.
I see them pretending that we still have a good connection. I felt kind of a disappointment… not really understanding what is going on.
I was in front of a non sense.
They liked me … so that later on … to see them pretending
they like me.
So … why this?!
I really felt …. It’s somehow ridiculous.
And i kept wondering why?!
Why with so many people …. that they don’t know each other
… it’s happening the same.
But one day … the answer came to me.
I was allowing them to connect to myself … and see my all sides … my everything.
And they started to see my weaknesses … my dark sides and all related with my soul.
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So … they probably thought … i only carried positive masks …. but …
Revealing my soul to them … they stopped liking me …. and
it was so ridiculous seeing them how they pretend … I smiled ….
I knew i simple had to close the connections … Anything else …. should be useless …
But truth be told … we don’t know to accept people around us …. just as they are ….
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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My handicap is …
Well … i have many handicaps … but i pretend i don’t see them
I used not to react so well when i was seeing people with handicaps.
Then i realized that handicaps of the human beings are not only physical or mental … but of many, many other types. For example my main handicap is probably that i get annoyed too easy.
It s a handicap that i have by years.
And it’s really stupid cause i am still doing it …
Even after years and years of studying so much … meditating
reading thousands of books … i still could not heal this handicap.
Looking at a person with physical problems of any kind … or even mental problems … i simple smile … cause i am worst than them.
Their problems are so visible … and so damn clear … but … mine ….
Well … i hide … my dark side so, so …. well. Until …. I get annoyed.
Then … losing control on myself … my handicap is revealing again …. the Devil from myself.
I can’t control it anymore.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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All the dark energies from my soul … comes to surface … and …
I suddenly realize i can’t even have a clear definition of my own being.
The handicap is actually revealing the fact that i was still dominated by … duality of life.
I had to analyze myself more … and to redefine all what was wrong.
Most probably my handicap … or maybe i should say my handicaps … should be accepted by myself … just as part of the journey of becoming a better self.
They reveal my both sides … the beautiful, but also the ugly one.
And i keep balancing myself between those 2 entities from my soul.
Getting annoyed … losing control is part of the process of understanding the meaning of duality.
Not controlling that side … not being able to get rid of it … it all becomes so clear … it’s about a damn handicap.
Today … i smile … seeing how i was repeating that on and on and on …. and things are still the same.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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Fantasies exist in our minds.
They are so damn real … in there. But we pretend as idiots … that we don’t care about them.
I have fantasies … like any other human.
And if i go deeply with my talks with any of my friends ... i realize that many of them … have fantasies also.
Today … i clearly understand the huge difference between a fantasy … and a dream.
The dream is probably something that we believe we have a chance to … achieve.
The fantasy … and i see that at my own fantasies … is related with a parallel reality that …. build in our own minds … a
completely new scenario … visualizing in fact all the details … It is many times in such a total contradiction with reality … that we don’t even dare to talk about it …
Or if we do it we actually need a whole bottle of whiskey for that.
But for my case is so difficult cause … i don’t drink alcohol anymore.
Expressing my fantasies becomes … almost impossible.
And still …. sometimes i write about them.
I write an essay about a story that i pretend is happening on the other side of the world … i come up with some other
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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names which i find in Google … and speak about something that is actually a mix between my reality and how i would actually love reality to look like.
You see ... fantasies could have so, so different forms. Could be about a fancy car, about a love affair with the wife of a friend … and lots of other things that look … weird … or even crazy.
We have moments … when we are even ashamed of those ideas which we visualize so clear into our minds. But … fantasies .. are real …
They really exist … and ….
There are so many moments when we forbidden us to think about those things … and still … they reaper. Even much, much clear.
We see that parallel reality … with the eyes opened … but again … and again … we ignore all related with that.
I start to wonder myself … what if i should express all those fantasies …
Define them for clear … in front of anyone involved … How it would be?!
What could happen if i clearly define and say it very clearly all what i see into my mind?!
But as usual … i am an idiot … and i am afraid of saying anything at all about that …
And maybe i waste so, so many … perfect case scenarios.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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We pretend so much that we are
positive characters. In fact … to look like that.
I was in the coffee shop.
Because of a misunderstanding i’ve been called to a meeting with a guy that wanted to make him look as positive guy into the local newspapers.
Telling me his story … i could simple not believe it.
He had been arrested recently and had huge problems in justice.
Listening all he was telling me … i somehow realized that he is actually in kind of a clinical death …. but he still insisted ….
repeating me few more times … that we need to do something to present him into a nice way to the public …. so that people should know that he really is a good guy.
While drinking my cappuccino… i was reading few lines from an article … from an important newspaper …. where he was described as the Devil itself.
But more and more this guy was talking to me … i realized that his main focus today was to look like an angel … or even a super hero that helped lots of people during his lifetime … a guy that worked a lot for a better society etc etc. I was looking at him … and smiled.
In fact i was making huge efforts not to start laughing load. The guy was for sure … not a good guy … but an interesting
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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company … for drinking my cappuccino.
It was like … someone was telling me all the details of a hollywoodian movie scenario ….
Was listening to all those details … and i did all my best to keep being polite.
For sure … i was in the company of a person that had quite an interesting life.
and still … i could not understand why he wanted so, so much … to look as a good guy in front of the public opinion. I wanted to tell to him … “We could simple be good guys … and not bother tell to the others”
I was analyzing him … while enjoying the coffee … and indeed i could define the guy in so, so many ways …
But i could not understand this strong desire of trying to look in a certain way … in front of the others.
Why we can not accept that as any other human being … we are actually good and bad … in the same time?!
…. that we have a beautiful, but also a dark side?
Why this need to look as good characters when we are in a very bad situation?!
Why we pretend so much?!
Why we actually can’t accept the concept of yin and yang as part of our being?!
But enjoying my cappuccino … listening to all the stories this funny guy was telling me … i continued smiling.
All was probably a story which had the purpose to reveal for me this weird concept of … the illusion of the self.
I could not do anything else … but smile …
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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Well … maybe we don’t pretend.
We just have multiple personalities.
I heard so many definitions of myself … that i had enough of all of those people … that were analyzing me.
But trying to define myself … i realized that it’s almost impossible to do it.
If i would tell you just few of the stories from my life … you could probably understand that i act in so contradictory ways
that no definition should be suitable for my case. I somehow conclude … that i probably have more personalities.
Not 2 or 3 …. but maybe 20-30 … at least. So … how should i present myself?
Should i pretend i am the good guy?! … the bad one?! … that person angry all the time?! …. that annoying version of myself?! … that person that knows to smile often?!
Which of those 20-30 personalities am i?! Well … maybe none of them … or all of them. Maybe … it all depends of my vibe.
But i still find it weird … why all this spectrum of different versions of myself defines me as such an atypical person. Thinking deeper … i suddenly realize that the difference between me and the others is the fact that i started to admit that there is not just one version of myself.
that i am … so contradictory.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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But i can’t find a logical explanation for the decision of accessing a certain personality.
Maybe it’s all related with my vibe … and according to the vibrational frequency i have in my soul … i act into a certain way.
or to be more clear …. I carry a certain mask. So … am i pretending?!
No … maybe not.
I am probably the reflection of all those energies i am carrying into my soul.
So … it’s probably … quite normal … all what is happening with me.
I am not … weird.
I am just dominated … probably too much … of my vibes.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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We waste so many chances of enjoying life …. because of … the fears
I look around myself and i see so many people wasting their lives … because they are dominated by fear.
In fact …. by fears.
Lots of fears … that undermine … their whole existence. And i see them pretending they are ok with their jobs, their relationship with the people around themselves, their marriages … their everything.
But if you look into their eyes you see … a profound unhappiness … difficult to be defined.
In fact … they don’t even know why they are unhappy. And not even with a gun pointed to them … you will not convince anyone to tell you the truth.
But … all of them … are simple pretending.
That stupid fear of losing something that is an important part of their lives … is dominating them.
I call the fear itself … stupid … cause the real truth is that they actually hate that part …. which represent … a main part of themselves.
And it’s not that they don’t like their jobs … their relationships of any kind … including marriages … but they actually are dominated by hate … in all related with the subject.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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And you’ll hear them balancing between complaining … that they can’t stand it anymore … and saying … “it’s ok! I think tomorrow things will improve.” And life goes on.
One month later … they will tell you the same story.
One year later … the same.
And nothing improves.
They lose so many chances of enjoying life … because their lives are dominated by things …. situations … and people … which they hate.
And the show itself … continues like that … forever.
Fear … fucks everything … but we pretend we can’t see it … or even worst … that we have no clue about that.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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Lies, lies, lies … Unfortunately … sometimes purposes are more important than …. the values of life.
I see today people more organized than they used to be.
Their dreams are not just fantasies anymore.
Everyone understood how to practice the focus and … and make their dreams come true.
But our minds is full with dreams and millions of other stupid desires.
It’s like we live into a world … having inflation of … dreams. This might sound ok … and in fact … even good …. but i see
people desiring to do absolutely anything to achieve their dreams.
Which again … we might even say that … it’s great. Unfortunately … i started to also see a dark side of this story. The dream itself … and that huge desire of getting all those dream … became more important as anything.
And as long as we can make them become true … that’s all it matters.
It became irrelevant if we respect the laws of Universe …. or
the values of life.
Absolutely …. irrelevant.
For so, so many people ….
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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And then you see so, so many lies … and absolutely no respect for any value that we should have between us … the humans.
We try to keep … appearances.
… but it’s useless.
Everything becomes so, so … obvious.
We start pretending more and more … that we don’t see what we are doing.
More lies …. more dirty things … just to get what we want.
Everyone observes in silence the change … but they do the same things.
On and on and on.
They pretend … they don’t see what we are doing … living with the hope that things will improve.
They allow us to keep our dreams … but … maybe they should ask us … what is the moral price of all those dreams? Of course … in many cases … should be useless to ask … cause … our goals, dreams and desires …. are much important as anything else …
