much time thinking and thinking and thinking … but …
nothing happened.
Absolutely… nothing …
We simple could not find the gut to come on the scene of life
live … and probably enjoy that scenario …. written so well. Well … maybe into another lifetime … but not now.
This time the illusory fear of becoming part of an illusion … appeared before … and being cowards … as usual … something … just stoped us ….
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Or maybe the voices around us … telling … “Don’t do it! It will be … an illusion” … and we got scared.
So … we simple refused to come on the scene of that story ….
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Truth be told … it’s easier to dream and regret .. than paying the price for that dream and enjoy it
I was looking into a hotel reservation app … at different hotels and i suddenly find a hotel from Monte Carlo … having the price of 13.555 dollars per night.
And i said to myself … what the hell is that … a joke?! How could people pay such a huge price for a hotel room?! Well … maybe i should mention that breakfast was included also.
I suddenly realized that i am in front of a motivational story
cause reading the reviews of that hotel … saw so many satisfied people … about the experience in there.
I always dreamed to go to Monte Carlo and drink a coffee in there … but most probably even if i win at the lottery one million dollars … i would not pay such a price ….
But … i still have that dream into my mind … about the experience of drinking a coffee in there … watching the sea … etc etc.
Hmm … you see … i just defined in front of you this dream of mine … but also my analyzes about the prices … made it so damn clear … that i would not pay the price for such an experience.
I would not even pay 10% of that amount.
Probably … i would agree to pay 1% of that price … and i
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suddenly realized that i dream about amazing experiences… but i am not willing to invest more than this small percentage.
And that is the real story about myself.
After analyzing myself a lot … i realized that i dream a lot … but don’t agree to pay the price of my dreams.
I prefer … and actually accept to live with the regret …
instead of paying the price for getting that experience.
And i do this so often …
You know what it’s funny?!
The simple fact that for most of my dreams … i could pay the price … but … i just don’t want to do it … So … i could declare myself … an idiot …
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We should accept the chaos as part of life, but not let ourselves be dominated by it.
My last days were dominated by … chaos.
I look back into my past and i see that I actually had a life where the chaos was always present … and actually defined my life.
A total … nonsense.
But what is funny is that i loved the chaos.
I liked to be involved in one million things … and did not realized the illusion of that.
But meditating … i asked myself …. how the hell could i
accept, embrace and love the chaos?!
Why should i let myself dominated by all those non sense energies?!
Meditating … i saw the … nonsense, but i also knew that the nonsense is the key for finding out what’s wrong with us. And i was keep wondering myself …. Why?! Why?! Why?! Why … i allow the energy of chaos dominate me?!
In a moment of honesty … I start to accept the fact that … the chaos was for me … a drug.
I look back again into my last few days and … i realized i haven’t done anything … and if i extend the idea … most probably, spiritually speaking … i haven’t done anything good in the last years of my life.
The illusion that i’ve been involved into so many things …
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helped me get rid of my inner self.
Disconnected me from the pain of dealing with my feelings and emotions and forget that first of all i need to remain connected with the self … even if reality was so … annoying. So … i was running away of everything meant spirituality, connection with the universe … and inner self.
The illusion generated by the chaos … was … dominant and i accepted it.
And it’s not that i could not find the way out of this situation … but … i did not even wanted that.
I was so damn … silly … letting the life continue as that.
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Volatility … the trick that helps you understand the meaning of … illusory
Truth be told we live into a volatile world … and that annoys us … a lot.
The plans …. all those desires that we chase for such a long,
long time … have in the end no real meaning.
We work, we sacrifice ourselves … as in the end to see that whatever we get from life will not actually satisfy us … and even worst … sooner or later we will lose that something that we wanted so, so much.
Today i analyze my past … defining everything that i’ve done as naivety … and what others name as motivational path … i would say … it’s all a … crap.
I am amazed that i’ve been so blind …. chasing in fact for ….
illusory things.
But maybe it was all part of my evolution … spiritual and also philosophical … to understand … the real meaning of life.
So … volatility itself could be redefined into our perceptions as part of the …. karmic process of life.
And i wonder why we have the word … eternal… into our dictionaries if … nothing is eternal?!
How can we protect ourselves in front of volatility?!
Can we actually protect of that?!
Can we find something in life that is not volatile?!
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Does life has to offer us any absolute symbol that can protect us in front of this concept called … volatility?!
There were philosopher that said over the centuries that this is the reason why the human being invented … the gods … but ..
What shall we do … seeing that everything is so damn … illusory?!
Well …. probably just smile.
That the only real medicine that we could use … and maybe also try to understand the message behind the message.
I personally have moments when i close my eyes … i look into my past …. I analyze my life from the beginning till
today … and i see that everything changed around me … including myself.
But there is only one entity that did not disappeared from the stage of my life … and that is my soul.
Whatever happened during the years … my soul remained inside myself … and that allows me to say that there is one thing that is not volatile into this world … and that is the connection with our inner souls. Everything else is … so damn … volatile.
So … maybe it’s time to change my priorities and treat the relationship with myself … into a special way.
I could even dare to say … as the only thing … really important to do.
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I have so many moments
when i doubt about all my thoughts … but maybe this is part of life.
When i choose the name for the book … “The illusion of being part of an illusion” … i had so many days in a row … when i felt something is wrong with this title.
I was meditating a lot … but one day i realized that my perceptions of yesterday are not the same as the ones i have today … and most probably tomorrow my thoughts will look totally different.
Yes … i started to doubt… all that comes from my mind … any idea … or thought.
The thinking itself became a process that … annoys myself … a lot.
I started to have such a large spectrum of …. perceptions
that i could not say anything at all anymore about my real believes.
Or maybe … the concept of real believes is just … an illusion and believing something today as tomorrow to believe the contradictory it’s actually a way of exploring … life.
To understand … and feel what is the real meaning of why we are here.
Doubting … could be redefined in the end … as the illusion of being into an illusion … cause so many contradictory
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thoughts and ideas that annoys us so much … are defining us … as human species.
Sometimes … i have moments … when i stop thinking on and on and on … but still the mind and its tremendous powers … dominates me in the end … making me feel good … or miserable.
And the this weird balance of feelings … Hmm …
But i continue living … accepting life and everything happens around myself ….even if everything is so damn illusory.
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I have a brain … i’m using it, but i became a prisoner of my own mind. Maybe i should reset myself … and stop thinking and thinking and thinking …
While walking … i was meditating.
While driving … i was doing the same.
While working … hahahah … i was thinking on and on and on at the meaning of life … and in particular … my life.
But somehow … i’ve lost control and became addicted of this process.
It became as a … drug.
I like it.
I actually loved it.
I was feeding myself … with all types of illusory thoughts … until i realized that i am living indeed in a … prison of invisible walls … like in my book with this title.
I thought that meditating was a … positive process … but … Maybe it was not like that.
I started to see my thoughts as being responsible of making me have such an illusory life.
I had to stop thinking and meditating so much … because i
started to feel … lost …
So … what could i do?!
Well … almost … nothing …
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Or maybe reset my mind … and stop doing that on and on and on …
Try to follow the path of non attachment … to my ideas or thoughts and not treat them as absolute truth … as i was doing now.
But it was so damn difficult .. get out of the illusion of the self …
And could not find any … reset button …
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Appearing … and disappearing
… kind of an art.
The one of acting … as a ghost …
I know her by almost a life time, but i simple can’t understand why she acts today as a … weird ghost. Sometimes she appears from nowhere … says “hello” and leaves … forgetting to say … good bye. But i knew she was … weird.
I disliked it into the past … when she was doing like that … but in the present moment … i accept and like her just as … she is.
The funny thing is that i started to see things as that only and only after i realized … i look like her a lot. In the way i act.
My character …
My everything …
Now i smile seeing her … appearing and disappearing … cause i was doing the same … but not really realizing the process itself.
So … why the hell was she doing that?!
Why the hell was i doing that?!
Why this … nonsense?!
Well … maybe it was all a weird emotional dance … of contradictory emotions when being in some illusory situations … liking and disliking being in certain scene when we’ve been
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before.
So … we look real … but prefer to be … ghosts.
Yes … total nonsense …. but i already considered that part of
her charm.
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We have illusory desires that are not even ours … but … you see ... we always want what others have … as in the end to like chasing for that …
I know 2 guys from the coffee shop where i usually go, drink my coffee and … write.
Some of my essays were inspired of them … cause they tell me all the time their stories.
One of them is a real … shy … person.
The other … quite contradictory …. a real Don Juan … always
chasing for new … love stories.
But the funny thing is that in the last few weeks i started to see another person when i watched Will.
He used to be so shy when it came about ladies … but now … not only that he was watching and admired them all the time
but i see him in the company of so, so many different ladies.
Most probably … John, his friend … was kind of a teacher that was teaching him the art of being a … Don Juan.
So … the person i considered the most shiest person from the world … was enjoying now his life, in the company of so, so many ladies.
I was wondering … what the hell happened?! Is John such a great teacher?!
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Or maybe Will wanted a tremendous change with his way of being … as in the end to really succeed?! Is Will copying John?!
Is this really his desire?!
Is he conscious … about his tremendous change?!
Well … analyzing both of them all the time … i looked at my life and asked myself … how many of my desires are mine?! I also wonder if it’s just the illusion… of being part of an illusion?!
But i look at Will … and see that he liked this path that Don Juan told him so much about.
And i liked some of the pathless paths … i was following also. You see … we all follow other people’s ideas, thoughts and desires … believing in the illusory paths induces by those around us … but same as Will … we feel good in that new scenario.
I talk about these 2 guys … and it looks like i am talking about ladies … but i’m only defining the illusory concept of … desire.
So … analyze more the paths you are following … even if you like those paths …
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Had everything, but i actually had nothing … Had nothing … but i actually had everything
In my book “Philosophy of NOTHING” … which i really can’t remember why i wrote it … i analyze, same as in my other books the … illusion of life.
