All i knew were some … theoretical concepts … which i was exploring on and on and on.
… defining them into my books.
But … i continued the conversation with Oliver … listening to his story.
In one point i started even to believe that too much study of philosophical and spiritual concepts …. made him be in a kind of a depression mental state.
I saw him … unhappy … and i could not give him the answers he was looking for.
I was … probably on the same path as him.
And many times … having this weird impression that all is just … an illusion … i also disliked living into this Universe. Could not find the sense of all that.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
And the question was … why the hell should we continue living here … if we feel unhappy all the time?!
But Oliver … mentioned … just before ending our conversation … that recently … and old lady … which is living close to him and knows him since he was a kid .. asked … “My dear child …. I know you by so, so many years … and everyday you look more and more … unhappy.
I don’t really know what is going on.
Maybe you already follow a therapy with a specialist, but … i think that nobody ever mentioned to you … that the best therapy in the world … is love.
A love story … could totally redefine your soul.” I was listening to Oliver …. and i smiled.
I was practicing what i named … self therapy … and i wrote a lot about that … but i was never thinking of the … therapy with … love.
My philosophical thoughts … made me also stay into a prison of unhappiness … and even worst.
I was rejecting … happiness … as an illusion.
I knew … same as Oliver that both happiness and unhappiness are illusions …. but i allowed as the last concept to dominate my soul.
My new friend Oliver … came to me … asking for an advice … but telling me about the theory of therapy with … love ….
which that old lady was speaking about … made me think if … i should try it as a possible antidote … for my unhappiness.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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“I did not wanted to sculpture the bird … but its flight”
Constantin Brancusi
I recently read about the romanian sculptor Brancusi … and his work.
And reading this quote about the birds … i suddenly remembered about my books with love essays.
I even had in mind … to write a new one .. but most probably my wife would kill me after reading it.
And on the other hand … i need to be in love again to write such a book.
But …. by who?!
I close my eyes … and i smile remembering of all those stories .. written in the night … on the sofa from my living room … drinking good red wine … and writing … and writing. It was in fact the same story … written from 100 perspectives.
A love story … with 100 episodes.
In my last essay …. from the last book about love … i wrote
“Awakening can be obtained at the end of a love story.” And i still believe … it’s true.
I did not think that i changed this perspective.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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I felt like a prisoner of those strong emotions and even if i liked it … my mind was looking for an escape.
I wanted to release myself from that story … but also stay there.
Today i can see that story much … much … clear.
I realize it was a story not about a certain person … but about love.
Same as Brancusi was saying while sculpting the bird … it was about the flight … not about the bird.
Maybe … for my case … i could say … it was about the connection.
And i remained for such a long time … prisoner of that story
just cause i liked what i felt inside of my soul. The connection itself … was amazing.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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People are wearing so many masks
and that creates totally illusory perspectives for us.
I wrote a lot about illusions.
And when i use this term … it’s actually about defining the concept … the illusion of the self.
but spiritually and philosophically i just don’t feel ready to do it.
…. I mean … to talk about the illusion of my own self.
I write everyday in the morning and in the night … and i see all so damn clear … but on the scene of the real life … it’s like i can’t remember anymore … anything at all.
nothing … of what i write.
And i feel everyday … still the prisoner of induced illusions … some of the people from my life … but some also by myself. Recently i somehow understood that people … wearing different types of masks … can hide very well their real personality … and make us have an illusory perspective about the connection that we could have together.
Not so long time ago … had a tenant that … divorced recently … that came with his son to live into one of my properties.
I saw her always into the company of her child, but also saw that some strange guys … looking like gangsters were visiting her from time to time.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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The relationship itself … that i had with her … was not important to me … but still we had to interact together from time to time.
I did not knew what to really believe about her.
In the company of her child … she looked like an angel … but in the company of those gangsters … she looked like a devil. And i asked myself … how the hell this relationship with her … will end?!
3 months later … she left.
Did not paid anything related with utilities … the studio looked really bad … and i had to pay a lot to make the things look great again in there.
Meeting Carla … who was neighbor with us into the building
she started to laugh of me … saying … “My friend … you write so, so many things about spirituality, energies beyond the scene of life … and so, so many others blablabla …. but you could not see that she was wearing the mark of … mother.
Why could you not understand that the mask she was wearing when she was into the company of those gangsters
was actually representing 80-90% of her real personality?! You are so damn blind ….
You speak about illusions into your books … but you live the illusion into continuously form.
I ll keep repeating to you on and on and on that … you’re such an idiot.”
We both started to … laugh. Carla was right … like always.
I wrote so many things about illusions … but in the real life … i could not recognize … the meaning of those masks.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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And like … an idiot … i’ve become prisoner of circumstances … which i could avoid so damn easily.
But maybe all it’s about understanding more profoundly … the term of illusion.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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THE END
or maybe there is no end … and we have an eternal journey
I had in mind to write the book “I was the prisoner … but also the guardian” … as the desire of revealing the truth about the prison where i was living … by a long, long time. But i did not knew how to define … better.
I was not understanding completely the subject … and i’ve tried so, so much to clarify with myself … what it’s wrong ….
Suddenly… one day … i’ve realized … that i was just pretending i did not knew why my life was looking that way. I felt like a prisoner of a reality with i hated … but i was not seeing the guardians … any of them.
And the huge paradox … was that this prison … which was in fact my real life … was a prison with invisible walls … and i was the prisoner …. but also the guardian.
I was actually not allowing myself to become … the one from my dreams and my fantasies.
I was persecuting … myself … not giving me the freedom of expressing my real self.
I had those 2 opposite roles … and i was living a paradox.
But deep inside me … i was still optimistic.
I hoped of being released from this prison called … my reality … which i hated … so, so much.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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I WAS THE PRISONER … BUT ALSO THE GUARDIAN philosophical essays
And days were passing … and nothing changed.
Then months …
Then years …
In the end …. I’ve accepted that there is no end for this ugly
story … and it’s all a journey for understanding the Universe … the Infinite.
The only thing i had to do … was to find a way to connect with it … to find the gateway … which could actually become … my release from the prison … with invisible walls.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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Thank you for connecting … with me.
with my thoughts.
with all those abstract ideas from my mind. All what i am writing … was done from the desire of
defining … the undefined.
the fact that we don’t see … that the biggest enemy from our lives … is the self.
Those 2 contradictory concepts …. of being into the
same time …. the prisoner, but also the guardian that
is not allowing us to have a beautiful life … remains a story difficult to be understood.
But … maybe at the right time … all will be clear … for all of us … and we might start living … a much better scenario for our lives.
Probably the one of being … just one self
the real one.
the one that we see inside of ourselves … the soul … that it s connected to the Infinity.
Adrian Gabriel Dumitru
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